• Interview with Jesus

    I: How are you, Jesus?

    J: Fine, thanks, and let me say it's great to be back.

    I: Why, after all this time, have you come back?

    J: Mostly nostalgia.

    I: Can you tell us a little bit about the first time you were here?

    J: Well, there's not much to tell. I think everybody knows the story by now. I was born on Christmas. and actually, that always bothered me, because i only got one present. You know, if I was born a couple of months earlier i would've got two presents. but look, i'm not complaining. after all, its only material goods.

    I: There's a story that there were three wise men.

    J: Well, there were three kings who showed up. I don't know how wise they were. They didn't look very wise. They said they followed a star. That doesn't sound wise to me.

    I: Didn't they bring gifts?

    J: Yes. Gold, frankincense, and I believe, myrrh, which i never did find out what that was. You don't happen to know what myrrh is, do you?

    I: Well, i believe it's a reddish-brown, bitter gum resin.

    J: Oh, great. Just what i need. What am i gonna do with a gum resin? I'd rather have the money, that way i could buy something i need. You know, something i wouldn't normally buy myself.

    I: What would that be?

    J: Oh, i dont know. A bathing suit. I never had a bathing suit. Maybe a Devo hat. Possibly a bicycle. I really coulda used a bicycle. Do you realize all the walking i did? i must'be crossed Canaan six, eight time. Up and down, north and south, walking and talking, doin' miracles, tellin' stories.

    I: Tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform?

    J: Well lieaving out the loaves and the fishes, a total of 107 miracles.

    I: Why not the loaves and the fishes?

    J: Well, technically that one wasn't a miracle.

    I: It wasn't?

    J: No, it turns out a lot of people were putting them back. They were several days old. And besides, not all those miracles were pure miracles anyway.

    I: What do you mean? If they weren't miracles, what were they?

    J: Well, some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis. Sometime people were hallucinatin'. I even used accupressure. That's how i cured most of the blind people, acupressure.

    I: So not all of the new testament is true.

    J: Naah. Some of the gospel stuff never happened at all. It was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lot of drugs. Luke was a physician, and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything.

    I: What about raising Lazarus from the dead?

    J: First of all, he wasn't dead, he was hungover. I've told people that.

    I: But in the Bible you said he was dead.

    J: No! i said he looked dead. i said, "Jeez, Peter, this guy looks dead!" You see, Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper, plus the day before we had been to a wedding feast, and he had put away a lot of wine.

    I: Ahh! Was that the wedding feast at Cana, where you changed the water to wine?

    J: I dont know. We went to an awful lot of wedding feasts in those days.

    I: But did you ever really turn water into wine?

    J: Not that i know of. One time I turned apple juice into milk, but i dont recall the water and wine.

    I: All right, speaking of water, let me ask you about another miracle. What about walking on water? Did that really happen?

    J: Oh yeah, that was one that really happened. You see, the problem was, i could do it, and the other guys couldn't. They were jealous. Peter got so mad at me he had these special shoes made, special big shoes, that if you started out walkin' real fast you could stay on top of the water for a while. Then of course, after a few yards, badda-boom, down he goes right into the water. He sinks like a rock. That's why i called him Peter. Thou art Peter, and upon this rock i shall build my church.

    I: Well, that brings up the Apostles. What can you tell us about the Apostles?

    J: They smelled like bait, but they were a good bunch of guys. Thirteen of them we had.

    I: Thirteen? The bible says there were only twelve.

    J: Well, that was according to Luke. I told you about Luke. Actually, we had thirteen. We had Peter, James, John, Andrew, Phillip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James, that's a different James, Thaddeus. How many is that?

    I: That's ten.

    J: Simon, Judas, and Red.

    I: Red?

    J: Yeah, Red the Apostle.

    I: Red the Apostle doesn't appear in the Bible.

    J: Nah, Red kept pretty much to himself. He never came to any of the weddings. He was a little strange; he thought the Red Sea was named after him.

    I: And what about Judas?

    J: Don't get me started on Judas. A completely unpleasant person, okay?

    I: Well, what about the other Apostles, say for instance, Thomas, was he really a doubter?

    J: Believe me, this guy Thomas, you couldn't tell him nothin'. He was always asking me for ID. Soon as I would see him, he would go, "You got any ID?" To this day he doesn't believe I'm God.

    I: And are you God?

    J: Well, partly. i'm a member of the Trinity.

    I: Yes. In fact, you're writing a book about the Trinity.

    J: That's right, it's called Three's a Crowd.

    I: As i understand it, it's nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the Holy Ghost.

    J: Listen, it's not an attack, okay? It happens i don't get along with the Holy Ghost. So i leave him alone. That's it. What he does is his business.

    I: What's the reason?

    J: Well, first of all, he's a wise guy. Every time he shows up, he appears as somethin' different. One day he's a dove, another day he's a tongue of fire. Always foolin' around. I don't bother with the guy. I don't wanna know about him, I don't wanna see him, I don't wanna talk to him.

    I: Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a place called hell?

    J: Oh yeah, there's a hell, all right. There's also a heck. It's not as severe as hell, but we'be got a heck and a hell.

    I: What about purgatory?

    J: NO, I don't know about no purgatory. We got heaven, hell, heck, and limbo.

    I: What is limbo like?

    J: I don't know. No one is allowed in. If anyone was in there it wouldn't be limbo, it would just be another place.

    I: Getting back to your previous visit, what can you tell us about the Last Supper?

    J: Well, first of all, if I'da known I was gonna be crucified, I woulda had a bigger meal. You never want to be crucified on an empty stomach. As it was, i had a little salad and some vieal.

    I: The crucifixion must have been terrible.

    J: Oh yeah, it was awful. Unfless you went through it yourself, you could never know how painful it was. And tiring. It was very, very tiring. But i think more than anything else, it was embarrassing. You know, in front of all those people, to be crucified litke that. But, I guess it redeemed a lot of people. I hope so. It would be a shame to do it for no reason.

    I: Were you scared?

    J: Oh yeah. I was afraid it was gonna rain; I thought for sure i would get hit by lightning. One good thing, though, while i was up there i had a really good biew; i could actually see my house. There's always a bright side.

    I: And then three days later you rose from the dead.

    J: How's that?

    I: On Easter Sunday. You rose from the dead, didn't you?

    J: Not that i know of. I think i would remember something like that. I do remember sleeping a long time after the crucifixion. Like i said, it was very tiring. I think what mighta happened was i passed out, and they thought i was dead. We didn't have such good medical people in those days. It was mostly volunteers.

    I: And, according to the Bible, forty days later you ascended into heaven.

    J: Pulleys! Ropes, pulleys, and a harness. I think it was Simon came up with a great harness thing that went under m toga. You couldn't see it at all. Since that day, i been in Heaven, and, all in all, i would have to say that while i was down here i had a really good time. except for the suffering.

    I: And what do you think about Christianity today?

    J: Well, i'm a little bit embarrassed by it. I wish they would take my name off it. If I had the whole thing to do over, i would probably start one of those Eastern religions like Buddha. Buddha was smart. That's how come he's laughing.

    I: You wouldn't want to be a Christian?

    J: No, I wouldn't want to be a member of any group whose symbol is a man nailed onto some wood. Especially if it's me. Buddha's laughing, meanwhile i'm on the cross.

    I: I have a few more questions, do you mind?

    J: Hey, be my guest, how often do I get here?

    I: Are there really angels?

    J: Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago we had millions of them. Today you can't get the young people to join. It got too dangerous with all the radar and heat-seeking missiles.

    I: What about guardian angels? Are there such things?

    J: Yes, we still have guardian angels, but now, with the population explosion, it's one angel for every six people. Years ago everybody had his own angel.

    I: Do you really answer prayers?

    J: No. first of all, what with sun spots and radio interference, a lot of them don't even get through. And between you and me, we just don't have the staff to handle the workload anymore. In the old days we took pride in answering every single prayer, but like i said, there were less people. And in those days people prayed for something simple, to light a fire, to catch a yak, something like that. But today you got people praying for hockey teams, for longer fingernails, to lose weight. We just can't keep up.

    I: Well, i think we're about out of time. I certainly want to thank you for visiting with us.

    J: Hey, no sweat.

    I: Do you have any words of advice?

    J: You mean like how to remove chewing gum from a suede garment? Something like that?

    I: No, i mean spiritual advice.

    J: Well, i don't know how spiritual it is, but i'd say one thing is don't give money to the church. They should be gibing their money to you.

    I: Well, thank you, Jesus, and good night.

    J: Well, good night, thanks for having me on here today. And by the way, in case anyone is interested, bell-bottoms will be coming back in the year 2015. Ciao.

    News Report: The Death of Humpty Dumpty

    Anchorman: From the Nursery Newsroom, this is Keith Blanchgetter. A mystery on the West Side today with the apparent death of the beloved Humpty Dumpty. We begin our Action Central News team coverage tonight with Joanie Wong at the scene of the tragedy.

    Wong: Thank you, Dan. Well, it's true, Humpty Dumpty is dead. The cause of death was apparently a great fall from this wall behind me.

    Anchorman: Joanie, what's the scene like out there right now?

    Wong: Well, as you can see, police have taped off the area and are treating it as a crime scene, and no one seems to know why. According to one eyewitness, all the king's horses and all the king's men tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, but were unable to do so. We have with us now one of the king's men. What is your name, sir?

    King's Man: Dooley. Kevin Dooley.

    Wong: And you're one of the king's men?

    King's Man: That's right. I've been one of the king's men for seventeen years now.

    Wong: And were you the first on the scene?

    King's Man: That is correct. My partner and I responded to a 10-43. That's an egg-on-a-wall.

    Wong: Egg on a wall?

    King's Man: Right. It's a routine call, we get them all the time. Usually, by the time we arrive the egg is gone. Or else we arrive and the egg is intoxicated and we have to remove him.

    Wong: And what was different this time?

    King's Man: Well, this time we've got a dead egg on our hands. He either fell or jumped. There's a chance he was pushed; we can't rule it out.

    Wong: Is that why you're treating it as a crime scene?

    King's Man: That is correct. Crime-scene people are checking the area for trace evidence. Hair and fibers, stuff like that.

    Wong: We've been told that all the king's horses and all the king's men tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

    King's Man: That's not completely true. Some of the king's horses and a few of the king's men. But not all. The king has a lot of horses and men. They're needed for parades.

    Wong: So they weren't able to put him back together again?

    King's Man: No. He never had a chance. His yolk was broken. Once the yolk is gone on these eggs, it's all over.

    Wong: Do the police have any theories?

    King's Men: We're developing leads at this time, questioning some other eggs who were seen with him earlier today. Apparently, there was some drinking going on at a picnic. All in all, we're told there were about a dozen eggs out there, and I guess it got pretty rowdy. They were singing dirty songs and harassing females.

    Wong: Can the public help?

    King's Man: We're asking people who may have information to call our tip-line, 800-428-EGGS. All calls will be held in strict confidence.

    Wong: Thank you for talking with us, Officer Dooley. Well, that's it from the scene, Keith. Humpty Dumpty dead, at the bottom of a wall. Now let's send it over to Marcia Lopez at the Dumpty family residence. Marcia?

    Lopez: Thank you, Joanie. I'm standing here with Humpty's best friend, Vinny Omeletta. Vinny, what kind of an egg was he?

    Omeletta: Easygoing. Nice guy. One time, when some kids were teasing him about bein' fat, he bought'em all an ice cream.

    Lopez: What do you think happened?

    Omeletta: I don't know. I saw him just yesterday, he was fine. I told him to stay off that wall. It's not safe, some of those bricks are loose. But he was headstrong; he never listened.

    Lopez: Thank you, Vinny. We're going to talk now with his widow, Arlene Dumpty. Mrs. Dumpty, thanks for taking a moment with us. This must be a very difficult time for you.

    Mrs. Dumpty: Yes. I'm still in shock. My thoughts are all scrambled.

    Lopez: How did you feel when you found out he was dead?

    Mrs. Dumpty: It was no fun, I can tell you that. He was a good egg.

    Lopez: What do you suppose he was doing on that wall?

    Mrs. Dumpty: He went up there all the time. He would just sit there and think. He was very deep. For an egg.

    Lopez: What are your plans for services? Will there be services?

    Mrs. Dumpty: Well, he was very conservative, so we'll probably stick with a traditional egg funeral.

    Lopez: What is that?

    Mrs. Dumpty: You know, skillet, a little butter, salt and pepper. Maybe some peppers and onions.

    Lopez: Will you have an open casket?

    Mrs. Dumpty: I'm not sure. A lot of him has already soaked into the ground. But we'll Krazy Glue the shell together as best we can, and go from there.

    Lopez: How can people express their condolences?

    Mrs. Dumpty: We're asking people just to send bacon. Or ham, if they like. And maybe some home fries, but not too greasy. Or they can just make a contribution to the Humpty Dumpty Foundation for Research on Safer Egg Salad.

    Lopez: Thank you so much, Mrs. Dumpty.

    Mrs. Dumpty: No sweat, my pleasure. I'm sure he's smiling down on us from wherever it is eggs go. Although he was an eggnogstic. Haha, he would've liked that.

    Lopez: Well, that's it. Humpty Dumpty is dead and no one knows why. A story we'll undoubtedly hear more about. From the scene, this is Marcia Lopez--now back to our studio.