• I am paralyzed in fear, breaking out in a cold sweat as my eyes flutter open. It takes me a few moments to convince myself that it was just a dream before I roll onto my side. And there he is, sleeping peacefully. The man who has put up with everything I've thrown at him. All my fears, all my insecurities, and everything that is and probably always will be wrong with me.

    I find myself wishing sometimes that sleeping with him will make the nightmares go away, and I had even convinced myself they would before, but it doesn't work. It hasn't for a long time. And sometimes they're so severe that he's the one who wakes me up and he looks panicked and frightened and worried and it breaks my heart. I always feel like I'm nothing more than a burden, that he deserves so much better, but I'm sure he has it in his head that I am what he wants. Or maybe that's just what I want to think, because he's really not as simple as he always leads everyone to think he is.

    Quincy sees it in him, and so do I, that he knows more and realizes more than he lets on. Maybe that's what draws me to him so much. That, even though I can be really confusing, he does understand me. Unless this is something I'm trying to convince myself, as well, but I'm almost certain that it's not. I just know that he does care for me and he does his best to try and help me.

    And I feel like some kind of monster putting him through all that I do. The nightmares, when I feel as if I'm slowly slipping from reality, when I am certain that I haven't washed my hands free of blood and he has to drag me from the sink. The things that make me wonder if there will ever come a time when he decides he's had enough and that I'm not worth it. I don't really think I am, but I'm aware of how little I value myself. And, compared to him, there's probably a very large margin between my value to him and to myself.

    I'm not sure when I began to think like this. When I began to worry about what I meant to him. It doesn't make me feel any more comfortable with my thoughts. In fact, it makes me feel anxious. Like I'm just waiting on something to happen to take it all away from me.

    And his timing is quite impeccable as he rolls onto his side to look at me. I can't help but wonder if he's been awake this whole time that I've been staring. I can feel my face flush a bit as he gives me this look. This look that I know means "it's okay". And it suddenly makes me wonder what kind of expression I was even making because he's pulling me close to him.

    Though, I don't mind. He's warm and he's comfortable and I love the way he smells, however odd that may be. This is probably how he'll fall back asleep, anyway. With me in his arms. And maybe I will, too, if I'm lucky.

    Honestly, I don't understand why he tries so hard for me. I'm halfway to a permanent lapse in sanity and I'm probably the worst pick out of anyone. He could probably have any girl he wanted, with how sweet he is. And he's not bad looking, either. Maybe he's just perfect.

    "Sorry." I say as he kisses my forehead. "I didn't mean to wake you."

    "S'fine," he says, but I still feel bad. "I don' mind..."

    Though, he trails off a bit at the end, as if he'd meant to say something else, but just completely forgot. I know he's not even fully awake. I shouldn't even be awake.

    "Go back to sleep," I say as I try to push away from him, and he lets me go, but I can see the concern growing on his face. And I really begin to wonder what kind of expression is currently just plastered on my face, because it doesn't seem to me like it's actually changed all that much since he rolled over to look at me. Or else he wouldn't look so worried.

    "I'm fine, Lycan." I try to assure him of this, but I'm probably not so convincing right now. "I just need a glass of tea. Go back to sleep and I promise I'll be here when you wake up in the morning."

    I can see that he doesn't really want to believe me, but he's too tired to even really try and oppose me. And he just lays back down, defeated, as I get out of bed and head into the kitchen. I probably won't make it back into the bed tonight, but at least I can have that cup of tea. And I begin to hum to myself, that same sad song I always have, as I set the kettle on the stove and take a seat at the table.