Dark Water

• Artist: Hana-CHaN02
• Description: Again thinking about submitting this to a small publication but i would really appreciate some comments first. So please comment and rate.
• Date: 01/12/2009
• Tags: dark water death drowning lake

Stars
White glitter
Reflected
In the black still water
A mirror
Voices
Soft whispers
Traveling on the slight breeze
Reaching my ears
Sticking in my head
My legs move
I began walking toward
The center of the lake
Unwillingly
My mind calm
Serene
In a trance
Broken abruptly
By a sudden stop
Replaced with panic
As my body is dragged under
By an unknown force
An invisible hand
Pulling me deeper
As water fills my lungs
Like wine fills a glass
The water dark
Black as a panther's fur
The night sky the only visible image
The sparkling stars and full moon
Woven into a black blanket
Their light bouncing off the unmoving surface
Unable to penetrate the force field it creates
Preventing me from witnessing
The hidden horrors of the lake
And as I drift deeper
Slowly
No longer pulled swiftly into its depths by the unknown entity
My lungs blaze as though scorched by Hell's flame
My mind slips away from lack of oxygen
I raise my arms gently
The illusion of hands
Forming from the stars
Reaching toward mine
Saving me from becoming another secret
Hidden under a veil of liquid darkness
A delusional hope shattered by reality
The hallucination
Distorted and blurred
By black blotches destroying my vision
As Death's hands
Cold as 1000 corpses
Grasps my body
Condemning me to eternal slumber
In this watery grave

Comments

[midnight roamer7]

wat waz thiz about?

[NakedJack]

Very cheesy with pointless similes. Seems out of order too. You could start the poem with looking at the reflection of sky in the lake, then the person in the poem is pulled under. It would be like a trick, to the readers. Don't mention it was the sky's reflection and the reader would be very confused, just like a drowning person (I was impressed with that part of the poem)