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jen, the emo graduate: an ode to high school |
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jen is depressed and unable to work on her 'bravo!' stuff due tomorrow/this morning and unable to sleep she misses school she is beginning to see all the good that school had and living at home and not having a job and all that good stuffs oh school how i shall miss thee i may have loathed the existance or your seemingly cold, evil brick walls and prison-like structure and your seemingly strict rules. but now, after only one day of work, and only a few days of not being in school, i realize that you were small enough that i could feel at home even surrounded by all the unknowns and your rules were so rarely followed through with alas i shall no longer walk your halls or feel as free as i did trouncing around with all the confidence and lack of caring about appearances as i did then now, i have entered the real world of scripted conversations and motions and uniforms and fake smiles and enthusiasm at least in the school i could express my true feelings and get away with awkward silences now im required to make small talk and at school i could always drag someone over to help without fear of being a nuisance or getting fired for making mistakes at least at school i could get away with slacking but no more ugh so emo gonk
during rehersal today, while sitting in my seat, i began thinking just randomly, trying to keep myself entertained. ive been overly emotional lately anyways, so i guess it shouldnt have been much of a surprise when i started depressing myself during graduation. i saw a very young child in the upper gym. he was trouncing around with all the confidence and freedom that a small child has. not a care in the world, except for trying not to get too too far from mother. i couldnt help but think how much i envy that child. to be so young and carefree again would be more than a blessing. now, at risk of being labelled as a full, stereotypical emo, i have kind of been wanting to die or disappear lately. i mean, what point is there in living past 18? thats when all the worries start piling up. besides, i already have all this negative knowlege in my mind that refuses to allow me the ability to believe in love or religion or anything of that sort. i dont want anything for my future. an artist? i love art and daydreaming, but to have to do anything for a living, it would only become a burden! plus id eventually have to choose a path and go into debt and get sick of that path but be stuck with it. i see no real reason to stick around. all i ever really want to do is lay in bed, starting into the dark lightened by the blue moonlight as it shines in through the window or lay in the grass surrrounded by trees staring up at the sky and just daydreaming or thinking or sitting under the water of a swimming pool staring up from the floor to the distorted sky as my body fogets that it even needs to breathe
right now, i must admit, i envy whitney. i dont approve of what she did or how she went about it, just running away and worrying everyone and not giving a second thought about her future. but she has courage and social skills. things i lack. my new job, her old one, was made for her. just cheerfully attack people and take their photos and try to sell them their photos. for me, it only causes stress and worry. i have to be much louder and remember specific 'speils' and motions and how to do things and what to do and figure out where to go. there is just way too much responsibility. i want a nice, quiet job in some small-ish store, preferrably and artsy one but whatever, away from crowds and scripted movements. to work this job, i would have to become a robot, and being a robot is harder than it looks. a robot says and does everything the same way every time and does not make mistakes if it is programmed correctly.
anyways, i have to go to bed or get to work on 'bravo!' and right now i dont feel like i can do either, so im going to try to sleep, and if i cant, at least i can cuddle the cat(maybe?)
Unni Ineo · Fri Jun 01, 2007 @ 07:05am · 0 Comments |
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