I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I can't think straight at all and final exams are coming up.
I want to think I'm a good person, but lately it feels otherwise. I can't seem to figure out where I stand in life. I look at my friends and they all seem to have something with or against me to the point I don't know what's going on at all with any of them but one.
*Note this list only contains friends from school or the area*
Closest friend(s)
Rami
Friend(s) who used to be really close but somehow faded slightly
Caitlin
Leah
Amanda
Jessica
David
Gabriel
Alison
Sarah
Tom
Friend(s) who I have no idea where we stand
Jessica
Tom
Gabriel
David
Sarah
Rita
Chad
Bobby
Candace
I've been crying for three nights straight trying to see what purpose could come out of someone being friends with me - the personality that people say they love about me is, once again, invisible to my eyes. I try to dig deep to find what people say they like about me but all I find are flaws that some point out obviously.
And none of it helps when my mom continues to scream and yell and throw things. She lied to me about my dad for more than 11 years then told me shortly after that I was an accident and that I nearly killed her and myself when in the womb. My mawmaw tells me I'm a horrible person with horrible looks and attitude. My friends seem to be drifting away, whether noticable or not I can feel it. And I can't help but feel like its mostly my fault.
I keep thinking in my head what it would be like to drink a capfull of bleach - I can't remember who told me its lethal if ingested but I don't even know why I remembered it. I'm curious at around this point, however.
I'm feeling beyond apathetic. I'm feeling worthless, emotionless, hurt, lied to, anxious, and above all that suicidal. I feel like I honestly can't hold on any longer. I'm tired of crying and screaming. I'm tired of people telling me I'll be a success when I get older or that I'm coming a long way. Stop lying to me - I'm not going forward I'm recessing and I'm not a success I'm nothing but a major ********.
Looking at the friends who have drifted away, its my fault. I'm the one pushing people away from me. I'm the one who seems to be acting strong to make myself feel better about myself but I'm just pissing myself off even more.
So what the hell am I? Who am I? What am I even trying to get out of life?
I have no ******** clue anymore. All I know is the above, which I don't even know what I'm saying and I doubt it makes sense to anyone else.
This is my final death wish - I'm tired of trying and being hurt by myself. As the saying goes, "You are your own worst enemy".
 Myth Tariyun · Tue May 24, 2005 @ 04:51am · 2 Comments |
