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Crap, that didn't work out. Now what do I do? |
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No funding for school, so no more school. XP Every adult loved to tell me when I was growing up how bright I was, how talented, etc. I did get good grades in high school where I could relax and enjoy myself a little, but I never could decide what to do. I felt pressured by my grandparents, my parents, even my friends' parents, teachers, to "do something" with my life. But I never could decide...the thing I really want to be doesn't exist in this world. So I'll settle for being an artist, rather than a ninja with magic powers... I went through years of community college, I got a degree, and somehow that doesn't mean anything to me. Whoop de doo. I wasted years of my life and money doing something just because I thought I "should" and everyone encouraged me and told me I "should". Now of course, when I really need help and have decided on a thing to do, no one's willing to put their money where their mouth is. Or they have no money. Either way, the end result is the same: I have no life, and no prospects, so if I want something to happen I have to do it all myself.
I am 25 and I'm suffering from total exhaustion due to everything I've been through and my weak constitution. I'm seeing an acupucturist who's quite good and is the FIRST medical professional I've EVER been to see who could look at my medical history, ask weirdly knowledgeable questions, and then have me feeling better an hour later. So I'm tired, and I'm bored. I want to go back to Aikido! Since I only seem to have a little bit of energy I'd like to use it pursuing something that matters to me. I've been looking at going on disability. I don't think I can hack going back to work. I think I'd collapse, or be totally unable to do anything else. I mean anything else. Like shopping for food, or fixing it, or laundry, or taking care of snakies. you know, just "taking care" of stuff...I'm afraid I don't have the energy for both things...I'm kind of glad I don't have to deal with going back to school.
I wish I had more space. I'd like to start messing around with sewing things, which I haven't done in years. I'm sort of afraid to try, since I don't want to waste fabric. On the other hand, if I don't I'll never get anywhere. ...*ponders* I think that sewing clothes as though my life depended on it might be the best thing for me to do, since only fear or threat of death seems to get my a** moving. XD
That's all that's on the top of my mind right now. Comment or not. I don't care XP
seiryuuchan · Fri Jun 17, 2005 @ 07:18am · 0 Comments |
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