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Stephanie Alyssa has signed back in. (1/25/2008 12:23 AM)
Stephanie Alyssa: I'm sorry
Stephanie Alyssa: I shouldn't have run off like that
Stephanie Alyssa: That was stupid
YinYang YangYin: No it's fine
YinYang YangYin: I'm glad your ok
Stephanie Alyssa: No it's not fine you were in the middle of saying stuff that's important
Stephanie Alyssa: And true and I should have stayed and listend
YinYang YangYin: I was saying something?
Stephanie Alyssa: -nods-
Stephanie Alyssa: Yeah
Stephanie Alyssa: You know how Simon feels and you wish we hadn't gotten so deep into this and you feel like if we kept on doing what we're doing it would feel fake and you might miss an opportunity to be with someone who will really love you because you still have faith in me
YinYang YangYin: I think that's all I really had to say
Stephanie Alyssa: So...are we breaking up then?
YinYang YangYin: I don't know, are we sopose too?
Stephanie Alyssa: I don't know either
YinYang YangYin: I mean... do we keep going on, too see if maybe something will happen? Or am I sopose to accpect this and give up and let you be normal?
YinYang YangYin: What hurts even more, is that I was asking a friend weather or not I should I confront you, and I even said:
YinYang YangYin: Not really, because she's the type of person who wants to be liked by everyone, and she doesn't want to lose me as a friend, it's possible that she's just afraid of losing my friendship. Not to mention, I've said things before like 'i probably wouldn't be able to live without you.' and she knows I'm a bit Suicidal....
YinYang YangYin: Savvi says:
Not to mention, who wouldn't want to be normal? Have a normal relationship. She doesn't want to lose her mom's love, because of me, and I don't want her to lose it either. I've been thinking about it a lot and I really want to confront her about it. But I'm too much of a chicken s**t to tell her over the phone, and it doesn't seem like she's going to get online
Stephanie Alyssa: I don't want to
YinYang YangYin: don't want too?
Stephanie Alyssa: I don't want to break up
Stephanie Alyssa: I love you too much, I don't want to have to stop
YinYang YangYin: I don't know if that's true anymore... I don't want you to just say it because I'm depressed, or because I hurt, I want the truth. I to know it's for real, and that I have a chance.
YinYang YangYin: I can't stand chaseing false hopes, or wishes.
Stephanie Alyssa: I shouldn't have told you any of this, I've kept it to myself for so long, I can't remember when I first started having these thoughts. I only remember when they started to worry me.
YinYang YangYin: I wanted you to tell me
Stephanie Alyssa: Listen to me, everything I've ever said about loving you is true
Stephanie Alyssa: It still is
YinYang YangYin: it was my idea to talk to you about it, because I took my own advice, I mean, when my friends are having problems, I tell them it's best to confront them, so that's what I did. I want the truth told to me.
YinYang YangYin: I'm sure it is, but is it love, or sisterly love, friendship? That's the question.
Stephanie Alyssa: I don't know...it's the kind of love that makes me want you here with me right now. It's the kind of love that I feel like I'm never going to be the same if I lose it. It's the kind of love that makes me happy and excited when we hold hands or hug or kiss or sit close to each other. It's the kind of love I feel like I'll never have a hope of finding ever again. If things go as I plan, I'll find a guy who's a good friend that I can tolerate pretending to love and maybe even loving for real someday that will be willing to marry me and have some kids with me so that I can live the kind of life that my mom always dreamed about me having, and I've always assumed I would have when I was little. But I swear I feel like I'll never find a love as good as ours.
Stephanie Alyssa: It makes me sad
Stephanie Alyssa: I cried when I was 18 and told you it was because I was an adult now, and I'm scared of growing up, well that's why
YinYang YangYin: you know what?
YinYang YangYin: I read today, about a guy, who needed help, he fell in love with a woman. They got married
YinYang YangYin: This guy was then caught with another man by his wife, I want to mention that these are young people, their like maybe 19 and 18 the boy being younger... and the wife pretended like nothing happened, they all three got drunk together, and even went to the Casino and danced. The wife happened to say "you disgust me'' to her husband, the man she loved, and he ran out of the casino and stuck a gun in his mouth and shot himself.... I don't want this to happen to you, just because you want to be what your mom wants you to be....
Stephanie Alyssa: That won't happen to me, I've heard about this kind of stuff and I figure that if I give it a try and things don't work out and I disgust my husband then I can say that I tried, and I'll start over again.
Stephanie Alyssa: This is the thing about the future.
Stephanie Alyssa: Nothing is for sure
Stephanie Alyssa: Nothing is set in stone
Stephanie Alyssa: So I told myself that all I know is for now I want to be happy. If I ever have to live a life that I"m not nessisarily thrilled with, but I think is good enough to keep me satisfied in the future, I want to say that at least I had a time when I was truely as happy as I could be aside from the unrelenting guilt of hidding such a huge thing from my family...
Stephanie Alyssa: You remember back when our relationship began and I told you that if there was ever anyone else that you were serious about besides me and you wanted to get with them to see how things worked out, that you should go for it?
YinYang YangYin: Yeah
Stephanie Alyssa: I don't feel quite so casual about it now...but that feeling is still there. I DON'T want you to miss the opportunity to be truely happy, and we're both still so young. I think it's ok to experiment. If there is someone else your interested in and can see yourself together with, and you want to try it then tell me and I'll do my best to suport you, and if things don't work out and you break up with them, you can go back to being with me until the opportunity came up again...I figured I could do the same thing, and then maybe moving on wouldn't feel so painful.
Stephanie Alyssa: It sounds stupid now that I write it out I guess...
YinYang YangYin: it's not stupid, it's a nice idea
Stephanie Alyssa: Really?
YinYang YangYin: but... I guess I never really thought about the future, I only thought about now, and how to made me so happy. How seeing you laugh warmed me so much, and every time you snapped at me, how i wanted to jump off a cliff.
YinYang YangYin: But I don't know, I don't see things working out with anyone else. They can't give me the attention you can
Stephanie Alyssa: I know...and I'm scared that I won't find anyone either. I've never even hung out with a boy in a casual situation before. Not one single one...well besides Cole...but I think I can exclude him considering he's my cousin. There is so much pressure around boys. I don't know how to act or what to do and the situation becomes akward....and it's just retarded to try and find another girl because if I had that opption I would stick with you.
Stephanie Alyssa: I'm just saying that eventually being married and having kids is something that I'm striving to one day obtain. It might work out and it might not. If it doesn't work out and I just can't stop having feelings for you, and I hate life with my husband..he won't catch me in bed with you, I'll just have to tell him the truth, and that's the point when I feel like I can tell my family the truth because they won't be able to blame anything on you, and they will know that I tried to be normal but my feelings for you are just THAT strong. My mom said that if she knew for absolute truth that I really was that way, she would accept it.
Stephanie Alyssa: So I thought I would try it her way and see how things work out
Stephanie Alyssa: I've just always conforted myself and any contraditions by saying that no matter what I did could be un-did if I hated it too much.
YinYang YangYin: What about my feelings? What about what I'll have to go though, standing at maybe your wedding someday, watching you go and be with someone else?
YinYang YangYin: No, I'm being selfish, if that's what you really want someday, then I'll accpect it. I'll be happy to be there, and I'll be even more happy to know that at least I'm in your life
Stephanie Alyssa: No no, I've thought of that too
Stephanie Alyssa: Don't think for one second I haven't taken you into consideration in all of this
Stephanie Alyssa: If we really wind up being together. I'll have to tell my family
YinYang YangYin: I can handle this. I'm a big girl. I've come a long way, and I need to know when things are out of my reach. I want you to know, that I will always be there for you, no matter what. Under any cercumstances
Stephanie Alyssa: If they hate me, I'll hate myself, you'd have to deal with me being depressed and anxious and all kind of s**t as a side effect because I'll always feel like a screw up. Like I failed the people I said would always come first no matter what. Like I let them down, like I'm nothing but a dissapointment. I thought that you would rather see me with someone else then be stuck with me like that.
Stephanie Alyssa: I know you've come a long way...I'm glad that you'll always be there no matter what and that you'll live your life for me and that I'll always be able to be there for you too.
YinYang YangYin: Both... situations would hurt me
Stephanie Alyssa: I know that
Stephanie Alyssa: But which would hurt you less?
YinYang YangYin: I don't know. It would hurt me, to see you with someone else, it would tear me apart inside... but knowing that you picked your family over me, felt like you were a failure because you picked me, and then being depressed about it, probably hurts more. I mean... after all... wouldn't that be just like saying. 'Yeah i'm with you, but I hate it, because my family, who means more, hates me now.'
YinYang YangYin: I have never made you pick between me and your family, at least I've never tried too. But you know that deep down inside, I always wished you'd prevail, and want me more. But I sopose I don't understand. I've never had a loving family
Stephanie Alyssa: My family doesn't mean more to me than you
Stephanie Alyssa: You both mean the same
Stephanie Alyssa: Your both equal in my heart and I can't live with either one of you
Stephanie Alyssa: The fact of the matter is that I have more faith in you to stick with me no matter what
YinYang YangYin: I've never had a family, that I would change what I was like just to impress them. I never had a family that made me feel like s**t just because of a desicion I made, and even if I did, I sopose I wouldn't care, because I would think that, since I'm spending my life with this person whom I want to be with, it'd be more important.
YinYang YangYin: I hate it!
YinYang YangYin: I've always wished I had a family like yours
YinYang YangYin: people who cared, and actually talked, lived near by.
YinYang YangYin: People who I would want to impress.
YinYang YangYin: but I never have, and never will. I don't know what it's like to have my family dissapointed in me, because they always are.
Stephanie Alyssa: -hugs- I'm sorry baby...I wanted to give you everything you ever wanted. I wanted to make you the happiest person in the world and instead I've hurt you more than anyone probably ever has and ever will. I'm a terrible person and I'm so sorry that I failed you. I never should have said anything
Stephanie Alyssa: I can't take it back, now it will always be there
Stephanie Alyssa: You should hate me
YinYang YangYin: I don't hate you
Stephanie Alyssa: I have betrayed you
YinYang YangYin: and I told you before
YinYang YangYin: I'm glad that you told me
YinYang YangYin: it would have hurt more, finding out later in life
Stephanie Alyssa: I'm not glad I told you
Stephanie Alyssa: I hate myself
Stephanie Alyssa: I want to die
YinYang YangYin: please
YinYang YangYin: don't say that
YinYang YangYin: like I said
YinYang YangYin: if I can handle this
YinYang YangYin: I know you can
Stephanie Alyssa: No matter what choice I make I'm going to hurt someone I love really badly
YinYang YangYin: that's why I've never made you choose...
Stephanie Alyssa: I can't handle this mass amount of guilt
 Savvi · Fri Jan 25, 2008 @ 07:25am · 0 Comments |
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