It's been ten days since my last cut. It's soo hard, everyday I want to feel the blade ripping through my skin so I can see the warm dark red blood flow forth. I know that sounds really bad but I can't help it. I can't help the fact that I find comfort in seeing blood. I feel no physical pain when I cut, its all emotional; anger, guilt, stress. Only a handful of people know about me cutting, and when I talk to them about it I feel like such a god damn burden. I can see disapointment in their faces and hear it in their voices. I want to stop but I dont know how, infact I wish I never made that first cut! I wish my left arm was smooth and unmarked!
I've been looking online for things to help me stop and this is what I've found. Reasons not to self harm: 1.I don't want scars 2.It hurts other people 3.It makes me feel guilty and a failure 4.It is not natural to hurt yourself deliberately 5.It doesn't solve anything 6.It adds to your problems 7.It is damaging 8.I am strong enough not to do it 9.Once I am over it I can help others with better empathy 10.It has run its course and I'm not going back now 11.Cutting triggers memories of other bad times when I have cut 12.I have better things to do with my time (e.g. eat chocolate) 13.My fight 'will give strength to others who are struggling 14.It doesn't serve a purpose anymore 15.I don't like the awkward questions 16.It makes me hate myself 17.I don't deserve to be hurt 18.I can give myself rewards for not cutting 19.I don't want all my memories of my teenage years to be about cutting 20.I don't like the feeling the next morning when you remember what you've done 21.Because it hurts! 22.I must tackle the problem rather than avoid it 23.I don't like having to wear long sleeves 24.The feelings that I want to cut are short urges that pass 25.I am a beautiful person inside and out 26.Self harm doesn't heal the pain it only delays it 27.I am hurting enough as it is 28.I do not deserve to feel guilty any longer 29.My life is worth everything 30.Think of how long I have gone without cutting 31.Every minute I don't cut I am succeeding 32.I might blunt the knife 33.It is messy! 34.I am worth more than that 35.I hate having to break the news to people that I have cut and seeing people's disappointment 36.I am strong. I can and will get through this 37.Self harm is the same as any other addiction - the longer I go the easier it will get 38.If I can get through this I can get through anything 39.What I'm going through is horrible but it's only a short period of my life 40.It is not a weakness to ask for help 41.Gradually I will learn to recognise my triggers and understand myself better 42.You'd never want your friends to cut so stop being a hypocrite!
(Sadly thinking about the truth in all of these made me want to cut)
The Magical Mellophone · Mon Feb 18, 2008 @ 05:31am · 0 Comments |