It really sucks.
Ever since last Wednesday.
I'm up all hours of the night now.
I lay in bed tossing and turning.
Then end up sitting there curled up in a ball,
Trying to figure out why I can't sleep.
I'm exhausted to the max.
Having bronchitis drained(sucked) all the energy I had left.
Now I feel so slow it's not even funny anymore.
I wish I could just pass out in bed and sleep through the whole weekend.
I have a feeling if he was here to lay beside me, I'd sleep perfectly.
I bet that'd help me alot.
It'd probably help how I look as well.
My mom keeps asking if I'm okay and if anythings going on.
I just keep smiling and tell her everything's okay.
But she knows I'm lying.
She just knows not to press anything cause I'm too stressed out.
She knows I'm not okay,
She knows I'm frustrated and ready to snap.
She knows I'm depressed and I cry myself to sleep.
My red, swollen eyes kind of give it away.
But she's nice enough not to ask me about anything.
She knows I'll get upset and not want to talk about it.
I haven't been crying lately though, which is better I think.
I just wish I was back to normal.
I'm happy that Brett's talking to me more again.
Thats something that had helped me smile a little more.
Even my friend Ariel told me that when I talked about him
I seemed "like a little kid on Christmas". *lol*
I didn't even realize it I was shocked when she told me.
I was like "Really?"
And she laughed and was like
"Yeah Erin you look so happy when you talk about him.
I'm amazed you can't see it, cause everyone else can."
There was a period where he stopped talking to me and I got really upset.
I thought I had done something wrong and everyone knew something was going on.
Even mom randomly asked how he was doing one day.
We had been joking around about when I move out and then she asked.
I just looked at her for a minute then stared at the window and shrugged.
I really couldn't answer because at the time I didn't know how he was.
But now things are better, at least I hope.
He's talking to me now and I hope it stays that way.
I wouldn't ever want to lose him too.
I don't think I'd be able to deal with that kind of pain again.
I really do love him, I don't care what anyone else says or thinks.
School and friends are just really crazy as of now.
I'm passing everything but sociology and biology.
Ever since I was in 9th grade it was always those classes!
I can never seem to keep a passing grade.
I'm doing my best, I really am.
It just looks like my best isn't enough, which sucks balls.
My friends keep coming to me with their problems as well.
As much as I love them and want to help it's getting to be too much.
Now I understand what they mean when they say
"You can't save everyone..."
I'm starting to get that, more than people might think.
I'm starting to fall behind and it's hard to catch up.
I just hope in time I'll be able to when I really need to...
