Lately I've felt so selfish with my life. I feel selfish emotionally and physically. This will most likely be a long post (and possibly angsty becuase it brings up a bit of what I've gone through in the past) so if you do not wish to read on, then heed my words and go to another journal.
Talking with a good friend of mine brought a lot to my mind yet I have no idea how we even got on the topic. We started talking about a guy on my bus who calls me a "vampiric smart a** b***h" because he's seen me drink the blood of Rami and Phill and Mark a couple of times. Some call me a whore because they don't know the full story of what happened between Chelsea and me at Mainstream when she, Phill, Mark, and Gary did what they did.
When he and I used to go out there were some things I kept from him - such as the fact that from the age of 8 my cousin would sexually abuse and try to rape me.
I fear people, emotions, physical and emotional contact and life itself. It seems the only thing I don't fear is death - which is where I think I got my cutting from. And it makes me feel so selfish that I would do something such as cutting to escape the reality which I call my life - which I called a nightmare. And to this day I look at my scars and cry because I know that I could have gone further than I always did. And then it donns on me that there are people out there who have it so much worse than I.
I can only say that I've been sexually abused and a victim of attempted rape. But there are others who haven't been so lucky and have been true victims of rape and for multiple times. So is it really right for me to take my anger out on myself because I would let Josh get as far as he did for the past 8 years? Is it my fault that Chelsea and Phill and Mark and Gary had their way with my neck, ears, and chest? In all honesty yes I do blame myself because I could have tried more than just kicking. But at the same time I can't blame myself because I never wanted something like that to occur to me again. I hate to be restrained but at the same time I love it. I love the feel of not being able to protect myself - but not in the manner of rape.
Then there's the matter of the heart..the most powerful thing in the world but yet it is the weakest when it has found its tamer. But when the tamer is hardly able to keep the heart tamed, then what is it? To make the heart tamed the person has to have full control over it - but what happens when that person is nowhere around? The heart becomes frozen sculpture of blood once more waiting to be thawed by the heat the person causes when even their name is mentioned. But sometimes having a tamed heart isn't a good thing when it is tamed by one who is hardly around.
I feel so selfish to want him with me so often when I know he has a life just as I .. no wait scratch that I don't really have a life now do I? If I sit here and think of such complex ideas and thoughts then I obviously musn't have much to amuse myself, huh... *sighs*
I just wish the people who stare at, lecture, and ridicule me would understand what I feel and why I feel it. I have a small trust for people and an even smaller love for life.
I'm sorry if I depress anyone with this post but I just had to write it out to get it off my mind..which I doubt it helped much..Maybe a cry or something but I haven't been able to really cry in god knows how long.. *shrugs and sighs* Oh well...Que cera cera..Whatever will be will be...
Linkin Park My DecemberThis is my December This is my time of the year This is my December This is all so clear This is my December This is my snow covered home This is my December This is me alone And I Just wish that I didn't feel Like there was Something I missed And I Take back all The things I said To make you Feel like that And I Just wish that I didn't feel Like there was Something I missed And I Take back all the Things I said to you And I give it all away Just to have somewhere To go to Give it all away To have someone To come home to This is my December These are my snow-covered trees This is me pretending This is all I need And I Just wish that I didn't feel Like there was Something I missed And I Take back all The things I said To make you feel like that And I Just wish that I didn't feel Like there was Something I missed And I Take back all the things I said to you And I give it all away Just to have Somewhere to go to Give it all away To have someone To come home to This is my December This is my time of the year This is my December This is all so clear And I give it all away Just to have somewhere To go to Give it all away To have someone To come home to
 Myth Tariyun · Tue Nov 02, 2004 @ 03:01am · 4 Comments |
