Yesterday makes a week since my mother found out about my cutting and today makes a week that I wrote about it. It seems that I have a hard time writing about something the day it happens. But maybe thats for the best, that way if one emotion totally over powers the other I have a chance to calm down and actually reflect on things. Alot has happened this week and I've sat down to write about it almost everyday, but I never could get anything written down. But I'm gonna do it now.
This past week has been one of the longest and most stress filled weeks I can remember. But I managed not to cut, bringing the number of days I've gone without cutting to sixteen. It's been hard, every day my mind and body have begged to feel the comfort and reassurence of the razor slicing my skin to shreds. Every night I come closer and closer to actually doing it. God knows I want to and I want it real bad, but I'm 'quiting' even though I really don't want to. But we all have to do things we really don't want to do.
For the past week I've felt like I was about to explode. Always having my every move watched, room always being searched, never being left alone. My mother is trying to help but is actually only making things worse. The constant reminder of what I've done and the constant reminder of how she feels about it is driving me nuts! She never tried acting like a mom til now and I'm haveing trouble trying to adjust to the new her.
I hate how she thinks she can change who I am or what I've done. She thinks I'm contemplating suicide. Now I won't lie, I have thought about it, but I will never do that. I have too many things I haven't done yet and too many people to love who love me too. I can never tell anyone that I've considered suicide, even if it were only for a moment. She keeps buying me books about suicide, I'm feeling pushed towards it. I actually read the first page of once of the books, it talked about how suicide is an answer to your problems. I was stuned when I read that and had no idea why my mother gave the book to me.
I'm not sure what to do. I have to go see a shrink on Tuesday, not something I'm looking forward to. I don't like the idea of paying to have someone tell me cutting is bad and that I'm a ******** up individual, I already know that. On top of that my mother called my band director Harper and told him about all this. More and more people seem to be finding out about my problem. I'm getting way stressed and I'm seriously about to explode.
I just can't seem to do things right. Hell I can't even get all my thoughts out.
View User's Journal
|
|||||||||||||||
|
[img:fb1bbf300e]http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/50355_9350653541_265_n.jpg[/img:fb1bbf300e]
College graduate and Advanced Emergency Medical Technician.
[/align:fb1bbf300e]