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I cry a lot, it what makes the ME is ME, I don't know why but it helps me get over life's obsticlyes, I'm so stressed and sad, I'm not over worked, Way too lazy to even work. It's just theres so much to complain about and theres nothing I want to do about it.
First.... School's starting up again which means I'll be having to live back at my house, and not with Steph, Summer went by way to fast.
Second... I get depressed so easy that I've been depressed today and yesterday, making the end of my summer dull
third... I don't wanna move back into my house, it's so sad, Depressing, I know my mom has problems, family problems, just plain life problems, but I don't care I really don't.... and it hurts me to feel that way but I truely do, I'm so tired of hearing the same stuff that I don't really wanna change. I hate the neighborehood I live in, I hate the smell o my house, I hate every single thing about it, and dread the day I will go back ( which is tomorrow crying )
Fourth.... My mom herself, she's do depressed, and I wanan do something about it I really do, but I have no idea of how to begin doing that, and I can't keep a conversation with her for my life, all we ever do is argue, yell and get pissed at eachother, and if were not having a conversation then she's complaining about her children and how horrible they are, and really we are horrible, but I'm tired of hearing it.
5th.... It's really not that much of a deal any more but Steph's family thinks me and Steph are Lez together, but were not, were just friends, I think of her as my big sister, Someone I can look up too, I really envy her, and I wish I had a lot of her traits, but I don't and I won't, I Really like Steph's mom, I think of her more of a mom then I think of my own mom, I know it's sad, but I really thought she liked me and cared about me like her own kid, But know that she's having all these idea that me and Steph are together I feel like I can't open up or tell her anything, like that me and Steph are just friends, that's all we'll ever be, all were ever going to want to be, I wanna talk to her, set things straight, but I can't I just don't have the guts to, plus I'd wind up making a fool of myself and studdering over my words, probably start crying, and mix up my words, and I feel like I already have a hard time talking to her, even if it's just to say ' yes ' or ' no'. I use to be scared of her before- just because I'm scared of every parent I meet- but then I warmed up and felt like we could talk and chat, like I didn't feel left out, and I think she's a great mother, but it scares me that she thinks that me and steph are together. I even hate typeing those words in the same sentance, I wish I could put this all behind me, but I can't I have a different view on Steph's mom and I feel like I have to watch what I say and that if I say something or do something her might hate me.... And I don't want to be hated
sixth... I feel like I've let a lot of my friends down, I havne't been online in a long while and my online friends probably feel abandon, but I still care about you all! it's just that I don't have the time with all thats going on at the moment.
seventh... School, I'm dreading school, I'll be going to a new one, so new people, thats cool. But I feel like I won't be able to keeo my grades up and that i'm going to fail.
eighth.... Steph... I feel like I'm making my last days at her house very very sad for her, and I really don't want her to feel that way, but what can I do? When I'm depressed like this I don't feel happy. Nothing can cheer me up, and I know it makes her depressed, and I really wished it didn't, but I can't help that people care about me, sometimes I forget to see that fact but I feel that my life has been flipped, and I hate when stuff like this happens, I sopose I'll try to see it though the best I can, But I can only cry for so long, before my nose runs and I have to blow it..... Heh Don't ask that Didn't even fit with anything.
Then again I can try to be happy, Put a smile on my face, try to make coversation with my mom, make Steph feel a little more brighter for the last few days, and make the best with what I've got, I know, no matter how hard I try, I'll get depressed again, but sometimes I can't let it show, Right? I mean even if I am a little mixed up right now I shouldn't let other people down... I only wish I could think like this all the time.
 Savvi · Wed Aug 03, 2005 @ 02:48am · 1 Comments |
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