This kind of hurts. I've never had to make a decision like this before....a decision this big. It really scares me. I mean, I'm completley terrified! I guess it's because I'm scared of death. Not me, someone else. I'm afraid that this will kill them. I can't be responsible for someone else's death, I just can't. Maybe not even physical death. If not, then they will die emotionally. They would be wrecked and humiliated and it would be all my fault. I can't do this to them....to myself....I just.....
There's this hole. A huge gaping hole that I've felt in my heart for so long. I believe I have just found the piece to the puzzle. I want so bad to put it there, to mend my aching heart. But I can't. It would break my heart to hurt someone so close to me. It's right there in front of me, but I can't have it. It taunts me and teases me every waking moment of my miserable life. It knows how bad I want it. It was even offered to me. But that wasn't true. It was a pity offer. It was only offered because I was forced to reveal how much I wanted it. For this I can't accept it. I wish so much that I didn't give in. I wish so much that I didn't make it known that I wanted this. Yet at the same time I am so glad I did. No more hiding! Then again, that could either be a good thing....or a very, very bad one.
Ugh this is so stressful!!!! I just wish I could at least talk to someone and maybe get some advice. I asked my best friend and all she said was "Out with the old, in with the new." It really didn't help. And I shouldn't have even said anything because now the world is going to know and the whole thing I was trying to avoid in the beginning is going to happen anyway because my two "best friends", whom I thought I could trust to keep my secrets, can't keep a goddamn secret to save their lives! They both have now led me to believe that you can't trust anyone, especially your friends. And you know who you are, and I really hope you're reading this because you need to know! So now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with really nowhere to go. I'm about ready to cry. This hurts too much.
Sitting here, letting out my feelings, has really put things in perspective and I believe I have come up with a solution. Forget about it. Completely forget it ever happened and let it go and just move on. Live my life the way I have been for the past 16 years and wear my plastic smile and pretend that everything's alright. And if that doesn't emotionally traumatize me, I don't know what will.
Why do these things always happen to the people who think, "That will never happen to me."
 El Arco Iris · Fri Jun 06, 2008 @ 02:30am · 1 Comments |
