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err... might end up being a long one... mainly me ranting... |
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well... this is probably gonna be a long and confusing one.... dont bother reading if you dont feel like it... bla bla bla... lots of stuff to talk about.... nothing anyone else really needs to know... its here if you wanna read it.... but i must say... BEWARE....
ok... well... for starters... im not very happy.... the closer school gets, the worse i get... i dunno maybe im depressed or somtin... and to make matters worse... iv got to go to one of those damned "physicals" that the doctors do... i dont know why that bothers me so much... i know im not in that bad of health... and nothing they do is really that awful... needles and blood and pain and stuff dont bother me... its just i dunno maybe i dont really want to know if there is something wrong with me.... or maybe i just dont like doctors and what not.... o and that is the day before school starts... last year i think i had one about the same time... only it was about a week or two after school started.... last year, i started out the school year where i could not sleep if my life depended on it... at least not until at least 4 or 5 am... then i had to get up by 6:30 so i could get to school... and i was fine .... this year i was trying to get on a normal sleep schedule... i was up by 10 or 11 each day, wide awake, asleep by 1 or 2.... but recently... especially after i was told that i had to go take a physical... i have a really hard time sleeping..... i just dont want to go to bed.... and then i cant get up.... and bla bla bla....
ok.... human bashing... first.... why being a girl sucks!!!!!!!!! why is it that anytime i say that im unusually grumpy, or bitchy, or happy, or sad... its always blamed on pms... OK PEOPLE it is not physically possible for me to be pmsing every damn day of the damn year..... (and for anyone who is reading this and "thinking maybe not but im sure you are now"... NO I AM NOT SO SHUT THE HELL UP) no one in my house even remotely considers the possibility that i might need a shrink or some "happy pills" or something.... they just make up lame a** excuses like well maybe its pms or if its my "dad" your sick or your mean or some damn thing like that... ok... more human bashing.... second.... i dont understand why everyone has to go so far as to try and know everything possible... i mean, i know id be alot happier if i were naive and innocent minded and didnt know anything... but school... and doctors.... and damn people at school..... and so called families.... i cant believe in anything anymore.... i seriously have no religion.... i have seriously been considering becoming a wicca/witch because that at least put a little more hope into my life... the only problem is that it requires too much patience and understanding..... i dont think iv got enough of that or enough time to learn all that i can about it.... i cant believe in god or anything... tho its possible all the stuff with jesus and whoever may have happened.... ok... well enough about religion....
o iv noticed lately that i dont know who i am.... its the weirdest thing... im laying in bed just bored outta my mind... i dont want to do anything... i cant make up stories or anything... i cant remember anything that i thought was important to me.... i havent watched a single episode of any anime in almost 2 weeks.... maybe longer.... i dont know if i like stuff. i dont know if i hate it... i have no patience when it comes to making up stories... ill be sitting somewhere thinking up the beginning to a story... itll be kinda good... ill start deciding the type of things i want to happen... and then ill decide i wanna start another story....
o more crap about knowing too much and more human bashing..... WHY THE HELL CANT EVERYONE JUST LIVE IN MOTHER ******** PEACE AND HARMONY AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF!!?? i mean seriously... it because of those bastards that go around raping people and murdering people and all that crap that my mom doesnt want me going outside at night.... so no more outdoors for me cause GOD knows i have no reason to be outside during the day, especially when the sunlight gets to me... and like i need to worry bout that stuff with all that goes on... o and so i ask my "mom" if i can at least sleep with my windows open (i really needed to be outside last night.... and i didnt make it out tonight either so im reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyy not happy).... i had to ask cuz the air conditioning was on (damn you air conditioning... i hate you.... you keep me from my night air and are only usefull during the hottest of summer days).... so first she asks if its colder outside than in... im like... no, its about the same... and she quickly says some kinda response with the word "no" thrown in near the beginning... so i go upstairs... and i open my windows... feeling slightly guilty... and then the crap about rapists started to get to me.... i sat there for a while... and finally, it just got to me sooo badly i couldnt enjoy the night air... so i shut my windows and locked them (i dont think iv locked them most of the summer).....
ooo and more crap.... ok... i am really screwed up.... i think i prefer to be depressed.... which screws me up even more.... ok... when im happy(as in happy enough to actually feel it which is rare for me...) or even just slightly happy for a long amound of time.... i start to get kinda sad because i know that when i feel normal again, ill feel sad (due to the contrast between being happy and just neutral) .... so i dont really feel happy enough to know im alive.... and then when im sad... i start to feel kinda happy cuz the contrast will make me feel happier when im neutral.... which keeps me from really feeling anything (*in other words... the two emotions happen at the same time and cancel each other out*) .... so im i really want to feel my worst.... which is pretty bad... iv felt "happy-ish" for a while now... so i really need to cry but i cant cuz my damn emotions are always canceling each other out... so the reason why im always such a damn b***h and enjoy to be so is cuz i cant really be either of the other two main emotions.... and it sure as hell beats being bored....
more ranting bout something else... i know i wanted to talk about something else but i dont remember what.... o stuff about talking with people.... i am soooo glad that most of my communicating happen over-line.... i really dont like people to know how im feeling .... in fact i feel really weird and have been debating actually typing this entry for at least a day now.... but i need to get this all out.... and i dont have anyone at home that will shut up and just listen without making up one of their sucky a** excuses... and its a lot easier for me to express my feelings and crap knowing that i wont have to see or hear peoples reactions... especially right after i finish... thats probably the worst time for someone to respond to an entry like this (at least for me it is)..... o... yeah... so im glad i do most of my communicating online cuz that way people wont know if i suddenly feel really crappy.... i can cry in silence behind my computer screen and act soooo happy online at the same time.... actually im not too sure why, i guess im just used to holding it in when im in public and im used to no one i talk to caring and i dont like to make people feel awkward cuz i gaurantee it will make me feel even more awkward than them if they feel that way....
wow iv been needing to say that for a while... anyways... im sure ill think of something more to say to this some other time .... but its already after 5.... crap it is happening again.... so pretty much if im not reading a story while online (cuz they help me get my mind off things).... i mean, talking to people is nice and all but it gives me too much time to think about other stuff.... so if im not reading stories, ill probably be away from my computer getting some food or trying to find something else that will keep me busy... or maybe ill be taking a nap or crying... of course... if you dont hear from me, DO NOT automatically think that im gone cuz im sad.... and um yeah.... i think that with the exception of feeling kinda bla, tired, and stressed... and having trouble concentrating on stuff.... im feeling better.... but um... yeah.... wow awkward moment.... um.... feel free to respond..... i just wouldnt recommend putting much about cheering up or something that sounds like you feel bad for me or something... cuz it kinda makes me feel like i should say that im all better or something... but i dont like to lie.... i just dont like to tell the truth... (trust me that makes sense... there is a difference between staying silent and telling a lie... i prefer to be silent) ....
wow... ya know what.... i hate emo people... not cause they are emo.... but because its a fad.... i hate when i feel like everyone around me is on the same level.... i mean... they are so dramatic... and then i start to feel like crap... and i realize... OMG im being just like that... this sucks .... and yeah.... damn you people who think emo is a fad!! (it so makes me feel like some sorta lame a** poser or wanna be.... and then i begin to think... maybe im a hypocondriac *sp*... maybe i hear about all this... and decide thats what i wanna be like and so i start to convince myself that is me... and now i just dont know who i am anymore) i feel like i need a really long time to myself... where i can run wild (only an expression) or lay around and search myself (sounds wrong) for the real me.... ok... wow sounding like some weird person from some 80's emo teen movie.... but yeah.... i think i need a lot of time where i dont have to do ANYTHING at all... where i can try anything i want... without having to feel guilt or worry about money or pain or anything else... i recently was thinking.... wouldnt it be just so cool to be a vampire... then today i thought... ya know, being a nurse wouldnt be so bad.... or a writer... or ... or... i dunno.... what if im meant to be something other than just an artist (of course ill hafta do something with that, i mean art is my life... tho it may become a side career or just something i do in my spare time).... and ya know what.... i love pens... especially my shiney purple and silver pen that writes in really liquidie black ink... OMG I LOVe that pen... and empty notebooks.... and i wanna play with pastels (oil, not chalk... chalk too gritty and dusty and unpleasant) but the only good ones in the house are gregs and i kinda um.... yeah.... iv taken them before... he didnt notice at all until i gave them back (had to, cleaning/organizing my room...).... plus my damn evil concience... i used to have my own... but they were destroyed within a week *got them for christmas a few years ago* (damn boys wrestling around and left them on the floor like the scatter-brained lazy messy person i am... ) so yeah .... well now its almost 5:30... i had better get away from the computer (my shoulder/neck area started to cramp up almost half an hour ago) time to try to go to sleep.... god i hate life... sometimes... i have really scarey thoughts about that... but since i have no faith in the after life or anything... i scare myself into forcing myself to live.... you never know, this may be all we get... so ill leave you all with this mass to read through if you dare.... (if youve made it this far, then clearly youve already read through it... either that or you skipped around until you got to the end)
so night everyone (or morning for those early risers) or whatever for those of you reading this whenever.... baises
*phew* glad thats done with *passes out onto bed from exhaustion* sweatdrop sweatdrop sweatdrop sweatdrop
Unni Ineo · Mon Aug 22, 2005 @ 10:32am · 1 Comments |
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