In the beginning, I said I loved you.
I meant it then, and I mean it now.
My pen lifts from the paper as I raise the back end to my lips, closing my eyes to think before scribbling away again.
The words hover right above my head, the right words, the ones I want to share with you...
But they never seem to come out when I need them.
Only the wrong words come out.
And sometimes the wrong actions.
You know what I'm talking about, don't you? We've done horrible things to each other.
...No.
Horrible is too strong a word.
I try not to think about it, because it pains me every time I do. Even now, so far away from the situation, it hurts just as much as it did the night I found out. Just like it hurt for you, but I think it's safe to say I took it much, much worse than you.
You're stronger than I am. You can handle these things.
I...
I am weak. Pathetically so.
Helpless.
I put the pen down completely, the words are uncatchable. It's useless now.
I've grown so much since then. It was the end of my innocence and the beginning of my seduction, my sick pleasures and fantasies with you. Neither of us would have it any other way.
It's beautiful.
Like you.
Like us.
I can go all the way back, to the very start. Naive. I was so disgustingly naive to how used I was. But I loved it, blissfully and ignorantly adored every moment of sweetness.
Then, the storm passed through, a whirlwind of eye-opening truths and stomach-churning lies, all of which changed me. I'm glad for it. Everything is over now, anyways, it's peaceful. I'm glad for that, too.
The pen stays abandoned by the notebook, like it has been for months now.
I'm a hypocrite. But you loved her, and he was nothing to me.
It's so different now.
You're everything to me.
I believe you when you say the same.
I have no reason not to believe you. Maybe I did back then; not now. Not ever. This won't end. We won't end.
I swear.
In the end, I'll say I love you.
I'll mean it then, just like I mean it now.
elbourne Community Member 
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