|
|
|
Well... This Is lovely
My mom is stressed beyond belife, school is starting up, I may have a hold on TWO part time jobs, and i got a BF who never fusking contacts me. And the, of course, To those i care the most about i HAVE to attempt and hurt without wanting to. Just be having the lack of will power to constraint myself.
What has happened to me, Seriously. Back in january, a month after an online BF broke up with me and me and my current BF shared our first kiss, i told him of it, because i don't hide things often.. He spazzed... And i had felt so bad for kissing him EVEN THOUGH HE BROKE UP WITH ME that we never kissed again after that.
And that has DIED In me. I've actualy considered having an online relationship with the guy i've cared very much about sense i first met him, Everybody knows his name. For crying out loud, cheak out my past posts in here and i have an entry where i keep all the poems he ever writes up or gives me! ...
Emotions is what it dwiddles down to. Love, Hate, Jealousy, Sorrow, Joy. Main ones i see and i feel. You can't have one without triggering the others, just the balence you must keep in tack. It's offwack greatly in my mind right now. I've just... lost it. I sat there durring the night, in the dark, listening to "reflection" And i lost my voice completly... That is what i need, something to show me who i truely am, cuz i've lost touch with it. I've tried too hard to be somebody else, to make others happy, i've forgoten how i used to be. Lost control.
I know my mom is right at times like this. I should of never even bothered getting "tied down" To sombody. I could of delt without the intiment feelings i desired, cuz this cage is harsh. This cage is preventing me from actualy feeling connected to anybody. I don't feel like i am really anywhere, even beside my best friends, i feel like i'm just not there. It's something i'm afraid of, and just how bad is it going to get.
Right now i just feel like taking off to think of everything, and to cry about what i've done. Sit on the waters edge to the wonderful falls Devon showed me, sit there against the waters rushing current, duck my head under the cold water and watch the suns reflection bounce from underneith. But i know, me thinking of things only makes it seem worse. Alot worse. I know if i hadn'yt left when i did last night i would of been with that boy right now in an online relationship. I haven't even asked Rob if i could. I usualy would tell my partner everything... but the lack of connection is making me feel like... i just can't. I can't talk about this to anybody.
That is why i'm relying on this, A stupid journal to contain how i feel, to get it out. I may not be able to speak but i still want others to know, Last time i hid everything... It killed me inside.
******** i shouldn't be playing this song...
Fallen angel.. tell me why, what is the reason, the thorn in your eye. I see the angels i'll lead them to your door theres no excape now, no mercy no more. No remorse cuz i still remember the smile that torn me apart. You took my heart decived me right from the start
It isn't as bad as Reflections... But this song always manages to get me to cry when i need to. All i have to do is sit down and listen to it.
I've talked enough about the miserable s**t. I do have some good news.... I just splurged and FINALY got myself some new rollerblades. Firehawks. Hah... Dustin should love that... After all his gaia shortened name is Hawk as mine is Fire. sweatdrop Too bad he isn't on much anymore... Oh well. It's him and another guy i know who broke my trust in guys. People know this story... I'm not going to bother even getting into it because i truely do not shut up on this subject. If you can't tell already.
So i'm just going to press submit, and leave it there. And i shall work on my new siggeh.
I AM AFTER ART AND SIGNS.... Pwease? You know you want to make me them whee
 playwithfire · Thu Sep 01, 2005 @ 10:05pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
