he's my ego-trip. he's my domination materialized. he's my toy, my attraction, my play-thing. but, scottie's got a mind of his own. he's smart, and he knows. he knows i'm still so very, very much in love with chris. god, i don't know why... who the hell would? after everything that happened, maybe i'm in the aftermath confusing love for obsession. maybe, at heart, i'm a pre-teen female with a desire for a famous boy-band sex-party. is that really it? no, the explanation isn't. but, to the point, is this really it? is this when i make my decision? i'm hearing the same answer in both ears, from all who watched me crumble last year. "if you date him again, i swear, i'll never talk to you again." "i can't watch that happen to you again, no, no. you have to say no." "what's scottie done for you to dump him like that?" "scott'd be heart-broken. what's wrong with you?" "what's wrong with you?" "what's wrong with you?" ... i don't know. my love won't ******** leave me alone. i want scottie. i'm happy as i am. i'm happy. but that was five days ago. now, now that chris' snuck back inside the seam i sewed together on my heart, i'm back to square one. except, now it's a square. patrick is chris' best friend. patrick is my best friend. patrick is in love with me. i've known him for 5 years now, and we know each other so, so, so well. scottie is chris' ex-friend. my boyfriend. patrick's friend. scottie's in love with me... i've known him for 2 years. chris is... chris is chris. he was what defined me for a wonderful, unsuspecting 3 and a half months. and then that was it. "i got bored.", "i fell out of love with you.", "what the hell else do you want me to say?!". and finally, the ever-paralyzing: "i'm done with you." and i was thrown aside. why the hell am i still wanting him, needing him, missing him!!!? i need justice! he ******** with my head, man! my well-being suffered from my heart to my actual health once he ditched me! and now he wants me back, and i have to actually keep the words from escaping my fingertips: "yes, chris, of course... i still love you, of course i'll take you back, of course, of course..."............. but if there is justice, then i'll stay with my decision to be with scottie. i'll keep my devotion. i'll keep my feelings hidden. i'll keep my tongue. he doesn't need to know that his partner is having these kinds of feelings... he doesn't need to know. ... right?
Evhein · Tue Sep 09, 2008 @ 11:28pm · 0 Comments |