I don't know what it was. But. While I was sitting there. Just reading. Something jolted my mind. I realized...I really am just a kid. No matter how much I try to deny it , I'm not grown up or adult at all. Yeah. So what if I'm turning 16. I can get a job and a license, and I"m being attacked with college stuff. PSATs....all that "growing up" stuff. 15....it's so old...but still so young. (15 out of 100 years....)
But still. If we think about this. I barely know about the outside world. Yeah I've become more perverted and laugh at immature jokes and stuff....but I still do not have any REAL outside world knowledge. Fight Club was a smack in the face and that was only R....movies can get a lot worse. Then there's my personality. I don't know why...but...for some reason it's like I'm reverting back to my childhood. You. Yes you (you all know who I'm talking about.) It's embarrassing to admit (and somewhat creepy) but....you have no idea how much I enjoy stuff like that. When you act like my stereotype mother. I love it when you play with my hair or make sure I'm doing what I'm supposed to. (like...homework and stuff) I follow you around like your sheep and listen to whatever you tell me. I really enjoy huggles/cuddles... as rare as they are. xP But when you do...it's like all the harsh realities that I'm constantly covering up just go away and I feel safe and happy. =3 (blahblahblah everything I've already told you) What I haven't told you is how much I enjoy those other things. Like....when you read to patty and I get to listen in. Or even the other night when you were singing to my brother to help him fall asleep....I must confess I really wanted to listen in but I was scared I'd wake him. Your hugs are probably the best thing in the world for me. All this stuff....I know I've said I "enjoy" it about 10 times by now...but...that's not the word....it's more like.....strangely comforting. Almost as if you ARE my mother. Which is not at all possible. (unless of course you are an alien and I for some reason was abandoned and left to believe I was human....which would explain EVERYTHING in our lives. xD........but...it's not possible. xP) I don't know what I'm talking about. I shouldn't have this issue. It's not like I'm filling a gap. I was first born after 2 miscarriages. My mom LOVED me. I was spoiled to death. She would read/sing to me all the time. She treated me like I was a day-care kid. I was never bored. So what is my issue? Maybe it's that now with 3 other kids to take care of, all these money issues and my dad acting like a loving husband half the time and a psychotic drunk the other half. My mom is under way too much stress. She is slowly going insane. She doesn't have time for me anymore. Not to mention the wall of our religious differences. But.......why should I care. At this age I should be breaking away and learning how to live on my own. Instead I'm clinging like a pathetic baby. That's what I am. An innocent pathetic little baby. I'll never survive in the real world. -__-
 Geek_lady_42 · Wed Feb 18, 2009 @ 08:26pm · 0 Comments |
