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I Think I Know What My Problem Is... |
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It hit me on Gaia, but I think I understand why I get so irritable and snappy at people with certain things. I think it's no matter what I say to people, I'm still worried about what they think of me or something. It starts with everything about Gaia too.
I see someone's avatar, and think it looks cool. Instantly, I want to be a bit more like them or do something with my own, then I get pissed off cause I don't like the idea later since I'm just copying someone else's ideas.
Or, let's say I'm looking on someone's profile and see all their avatar art, or their writing, or their journal entries. Or I go on DA or something. I get insanely jealous of people's work. So lately, I wanna be special and interesting too, so I join like all these Guilds, and subscribe to all these different threads that I go to like once, just so it looks nice if someone were to ever go through my stuff, they'd look around and like how nice it is.
Or, like how mad I get when I see people with rares that I'd never be able to earn, and they have tons of friends with rares, and I want to know these people, so I try to get in with them so it's like people with think I know higher-ups or something. I've been trying to buy avatar art all the time, so I can have a nice sig, I always use peoples quotes from books so people enjoy my sig. I'm trying to write so maybe someone will like what I read and frequent my journal besides Jen and Tabitha. I keep trying to practice in Photoshop so I can finally think of something I'm good with to open a shop on Gaia so people will buy or like the things I make.
Then, when I read about people in their journals and they talk about everything that's going on, and it's depressing or they're going through a tough time, I get pissed off at them for having a bump in the road of their life, and I get so angry I wonder why I bother hanging out with these people who have so many problems. It seems like everyone I know has some s**t to deal with, and I just want to be around people who have less problems. I think that's where I get my "escaping onto the internet" policy.
I think I do these things because I'm so terrified of what's to come. Even though I do fine in this course at school, it scares me because I don't love it, or can't really see me doing this line of work in the future. It's my senior year, and I still can't decide what to go on with. Russell's moving to Arizona to go to Collins College. Josh is going to the Art Institute. My parents, especially my dad is looming the "College Sign" above my head. I'm scared to tell them I'm pretty sure I won't get accepted into any colleges, so I'm almost borderline not planning on making any applications. I'm really worried about that right now. My grades are good, but I just don't seem like I made it in time, everyone's already gone home when I finish the race.
I guess I just want some attention or acknowledgement once in a while. I'm being selfish cause I wish people would get over their problems, but when it comes to me, I try to ignore them enough to that when it's too much to bear, I break down. Mr. Kuhns gave us attitude in Algebra today cause he's behind on taking his insulin, so his blood sugar's making him antsy. And his yelling got me so overwhelmed, I nearly broke down and cried in Psychology next period. I snapped at Crystal cause she wouldn't give me the dictionary, and I'm scared anyone else who crosses me is either going to get yelled at or hit. Everyone always says, "Oh, just be yourself, and everyone will like that." But, let's be honest, that's the biggest lie they fit in your head when you're little. Sure, it's nice to be naive when you're younger. But I think if we got a little bigger dose of reality when were little instead of being encouraged to go be astronauts and the President, maybe we'd be a little more down to earth.
People always have their own ideas and judgements as to how you should be, what you should do, and how you should act. If you don't add up in their master plan, you're just a cog that gets thrown out of the machine. That's why em0 and goth kids wear all those stupid clothes and cut themselves and s**t. They don't have anyone else to go to, so they end up being miserable together, and spread the misery to everyone else. They end up being abandoned in society, and are looked out on as outcasts, and all they probably needed was a hug and someone to say, "I'm here for you, and I want to help in any way I can." People would be a lot better off if they really did want to help others, and not just say it to look like a good samaritan.
Everyone has s**t of course, but it seems like it's more that they don't get the s**t handled with, and they get s**t piled on them until it's too much to dig out of. It seems like everyone says that as we move forward in time, it gets easier, but to me it seems like people had it easier way back when, when people had smaller problems to deal with.
But what do I know? I'm a 17 year old boy who can't handle taking on his future, and doesn't know how to deal with his family. He's scared for his friends, himself, and the world around him, and he'd like some answers.
I wish, if someone asked me, "What's your problem?" I could tell them, but I can't. I really, really can't. People say it's better to get it off your chest, but seriously, in this situation, I doubt it.
God, reading this back to myself makes me sound so pitiful. Like someone would give me some spare change or an ice cream cone after hearing it. Maybe I could get this published or something, and just live off of writing about how much life sucks. Then I could become a poet.
Edible Substance · Wed Nov 09, 2005 @ 06:52pm · 1 Comments |
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