All right, a different change of pace...I'm not going to post random Bible verses, at least not today.
This week has been a roller coaster ride. Monday I started my first day off of 3rd shift in the Wal-Mart deli, and by Tuesday I was depressed because I had off. Why would that make me depressed? Because I had nothing to fill my time with...before when I had a night off I just hung out on the computer like usual, slept, ate, sometimes played Gamecube, because there wasn't much else to really do. Now, I actually have an entire day to do something...but I was depressed because I had no idea what I want to do with my life on the here and now basis. Maybe part of it was pms, I don't know. But ever since then I've been hiding among depression, like it's becoming my best friend.
Looking into my heart and what I really desire to do, all I find are dying dreams. I'm loosing my passion to sing, because more and more I'm realizing how much I suck at it and who would want to ever listen to me? [boyfriend excluded] I want to give up on digital art because it seems impossible to ever get the tools I need to pursue it, plus looking back at some of my previous works when I had Photoshop Elements 5.0, I wasn't that great at it either. All the decent elements in my art were mainly stock photos or elements already pre-given by Photoshop. Not much was actually MY own drawing, since I have always sucked at drawing...especially drawing people. My old room mate, Suthida, seems to think I have a natural ability and gift from God on creativity and she seriously thinks that art is at least part of my calling....and she even bought me a book on how to learn Photoshop CS3. I mean I like Photoshop-ing things and even have fun with it...but working at Walmart I'll never be able to afford a computer that is capable of running the programs plus the programs themselves (I've wanted to get Creative Suites CS3 which includes Photoshop, Flash, Dreamweaver, Illustrator and many others, hence the plural.)
In all honesty, nothing really seems to matter anymore. I feel like I'm just barely hanging on to existance in this life, not mattering much for anything. I've lost touch with my dream to be a missionary to Japan, because I can't really see God using me...not when the hearts of those people are on the line. I guess I'm feeling selfish at the moment, wanting nothing more than to find my own damn happiness and fulfillment in life, maybe not neccessarily anyone else's.
I know my boyfriend is concerned about me because he loves me and cares for me, and I feel bad about the possibility of him even reading this. But, this is how I really feel. And I'm sure a dear friend probably feels guilty about me not wanting to sing anymore, but...the truth is I don't have what it takes. Never did. I was blinded by my false dream and false hope. I can be extremely dense and downright stupid sometimes.
Anyways, that leaves me where I am at now, laying on my bed at the computer doing much of nothing, not happy about anything really, just waiting for work to come and give me something to do, even though work sucks when you have no meaning in life otherwise....
Holy One of Heaven Community Member 
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