I noticed some people will only care when it is convenient for them..
Today I was supposed to be a part of Tom's plan. And I was, until Rami told me about the s**t he pulled last night by insulting her. If she's going to break up with the guy, I won't stop her. I told her about the little plan he had so yea, no camera for me, Tom. Don't you feel proud...
In a recent post made by Tom in his journal he says he doesn't want to shun me. But he's being so.. ugh what's the word...dead to me and taking his anger out on me as if I'm the cause of Rami's or his choices.
I had to teach my second hour class today with Chancy. The class obviously got pissed at me but I don't care. I'm trying so ahrd right now to not do anything to vent my anger in physical ways. But also I can't count how many times I've daydreamed this week of just taking a razor to my arm to just slice all the yelling and dissappointment away. But I've come to see that's the easy way out.
If I really want to get away from my mom yelling at me and her grabbing me by my neck then perhaps I should stop doing wrong whatever it is I'm doing wrong. Its something obviously she just doesn't want to tell me. Just like she doesn't want to tell me why she hates Rita.
It seems this week is going all over. The day will start off good but then something will happen and everything wil shatter to shards of bleeding rose fragments. The best i can do right now is to stop trying to hold back my tears and to just let them fall, whether they fall in class or after my mom yells or when I get dragged into something in which if I don't take the side of my brother his anger towards someone gets whiplashed back unto me.
What the hell is it about me that draws people to either hurt me, break their promises to me, or say they love me? I haven't done anything that i can think of to deserve to be hurt or broken. And I can't think of any reason someone would say they love me or care about me. Hell, I told Jessica the other day I loved her just for being her and she just acted like I was a freak and kept making confused faces.
Keeping my body uncut, while all I can do it cry because half of what's going on shouldn't even involve me, is really hard. And I'm really trying to keep my promise of no cutting this time. I broke it before and I'm trying to not do it again.
I'm sorry I ever hurt anyone, I never mean to. I guess the only time some people care about or love me is when I live up to their expectations...
 Myth Tariyun · Sat Nov 20, 2004 @ 01:12am · 2 Comments |
