Someone recently asked me to explain this multiple personality thing I recently mentioned. Le sigh. How do I put this? Hmm... well I've always seemed to have multiple personalities. No, not imaginary friends, multiple personalities. I argue with myself in my head, there are five voices at once, all shouting at me. Telling me what to do. Telling me what not to do. Telling me I'm stupid, ugly, disgusting, a slutty tease, a whore-wannabe.
Now it's worse. All those different voices seemed to gather to one great voice. The side I usually use is quiet, fake, shy, scared, and lonely. This voice is so big, it's pushing out my normal side and is now another side of me on its own. It's strong, fierce, lonely, sexy, horrific, and is far from an optimist.
The scared side of me will be active most of the time, fighting hard not to cry, trying its best not to run away, always faking smiles.
Then when that side gets so hurt, and I'm upstairs in my room crying, the other side soothes me, gives the afraid side a rest. And this other side takes over. It goes into my address book -where I hid my razor blades so I wouldn't use them- and it takes the blades. It smiles, a real smile, which is such a relief for me but so hard because I know that it's smiling for some terrible reason. It'll hurt me, smiling and singing and cutting into my skin. And it doesn't feel a thing. Completely numb as the blade cuts through my skin. Completely numb as it carves 'not pretty enough' into my flesh. All the while it's just gleeful, completely happy, and humming little songs. Licking up the blood and wiping the excess blood away with a cloth. I only feel the pain when this side leaves and the scared side comes back. I feel every cut it made with the razor, I can feel it swollen, my skin rising around the tiny messages that were left in my skin for me to read. Right now I can even taste the blood on my tongue, the warm bitter salty taste. So good. Even now I can feel this other side, eating at my insides, crawling through my stomach, shaking at my heart, crushing my brain. It hurts, it hurts because I want to let it out so badly but I'm afraid. Always afraid,
Why? Why would the Goddess do this to me? When I was young, the darkness brought me into the shadows. Into the warm embrace of the night, protecting me from the bitter light. And now it's as if I'm being cast back out into the cold, corrupted light. Cold. That's how I feel. it's summer, everyone else is sweating, and I'm freezing. It feels like winter, my whole body is trembling.
Please Dark mother, don't leave me out to the corruption of the light, it hurts. What did I do wrong? I can no longer see the spirits that used to visit me. The shadows no longer seem to be filled with life of their own. I can no longer find the strength to cast a simple spell. I can no longer make my spirit leave my body, I'm too afraid. I no longer feel like I'm being watched, protected. I was just about to finally have my ritual to officially make myself one of the Dark Mother's children. Now I can't, I'm afraid. I feel abandoned. I feel alone.
purpletomatoes Community Member 
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