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The year is almost over...
almost...
Yes, it are the days when the depressed friends kick in, beside the excited ones..
What am I, well... I'm unusually untouched by the switch of the years
I used to expect very high things of the year-switching.. there were always the yumm-yumm snacks, and the fun tv-shows - and the entire family at home
But now all I can think "yumm-yumm's make ya fat... neutral " and that's so a girly girly thought, so I'm thinking about a switch in thinking along this switching to the new year
I want a new me, a new me thinking differently, feeling differently
and as I start thinking about how I wish to be a whole different person, I start to realise... this time, it might be the most meaningful year-switching of my adolescence (year-switching is probably not the right word, but I'm Dutch so forgive me)
2006 is the year I'll become an adult, my 18th birthday 2006 is the year where I'll go to univerisity for the first time((if I pass the exams, but I'm hoping for it, I want to push out all the negativity today)) 2006 is the year I'm gonna do my best in to change me into me I want to be [-o and that person, is someone with a job so that I can buy the clothes, the manga and the anime that I want. I want to travel with that money too. But that is also a person who puts more trust in her friends, but will also not care when friends decide to hate me.
a person who falls in love redface , but still has her feelings of love in control like now. Maybe love is a feeling that you shouldnt have in control else it isn;t love, but I really don;t think guys are worth the emotion-overflow... they can turn out to be real jerks.
I want to be a person with steady feelings, and the willpower to achieve things. Who does what she really wants to do, and doesn't lie on the couch every little bit of free time she has. I want to be a person to be proud of. And that doesn;t mean I wanna be a person who is loved and adored, because I have come to realize.. I'm quite the annoying one, even when everybody else denies it:doubt: . I mean, if someone dear to you asked ya "do ya find me annoying... even if it's sometimes?" ya find it hard to admit ya sometimes do. But everybody shakes their head "No, you're sweet." or my mom "No, I don't let such things get to me, nobody annoys me..". But what does that mean. Do I annoy you? No, because no one does... isn;t that a fancy way of saying "I really don't care." or maybe "Well you can be annoying sometimes, like others, but I just ignore that" - I donnot know how to explain it, what that answer makes me feel. How sweet yet... unsatisfying that response is.
But I guess I nag a often lot. And I expect people to listen.. and I always nag about the same thing. And when my mom finally says "Oh stop it already! If you're so unhappy, than do something about it" I start to think back on what she said to me earlier. "Do I annoy you?" "No, nobody annoys me". I then feel very bad and depressed, cause momma is lying to me and she won;t admit it. I'll cry. And nobody will understand why.
I cry a lot.
Nothing goes my way, and I'm to blame. But, once again, that's all nagging. Because I don;t make an effort to make it go my way. But let's find the determination in the year 2006 and make all my nagging disappear cause the only thing I'll then be saying is "I'm happy to be me."
Yesh, that is all I want. To be able to say: "I'm happy to be me." smile
smiley-craziness :badgrin: lol biggrin rolleyes xp blaugh ninja 4laugh rofl
EggplantStew · Fri Jan 06, 2006 @ 09:55pm · 0 Comments |
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