Username: xx__Tickle me IMO Round # One Prompt: You're on stage getting ready to give a speech and you've imagine the audience in their underwear in an attempt to make it less nerve-wracking. But in reality, you're the one in your underwear and you must still make the speech. A. 700 words B. You have 10 days Entry:
The Eyes of the Beholder
Ten minutes before
Underwear. Okay. Just think of them in their underwear. This always seems to work in the movies, right? Oh god. What if Angela is out there? What if I picture her in her underwear and then I get…well…maybe this isn’t a good idea. Do you think that she wears pink underwear? No. Angela is too smart. Pink is the color of stupid. I think her hair smells nice. It’s so clean and lovely. I want to live in her hair. I wish I were a bird. I would make a nest in her hair. And that would make me the happiest bird in the world.
God. Why is this suit so itchy? I think the school makes us dress up in suits to fill up some hole in their existence. Like the administration had to wear dress clothes every day while in college. So now we all must suffer through the same things they went through.
Oh no. I really need to pee.
Five minutes before
Okay. Okay. Now my bladder is empty. That’s so much better. I still haven’t seen the audience. I don’t know if Angela is in school today. Maybe she has the stomach flu. No. I should never wish her to have the stomach flu. Even if I know she pukes rainbows. Perfect people always pukes rainbows. I should just wish that her father kidnapped her and took her to a surprise carnival in her honor. I hope there’s cotton candy.
Two minutes before
Tyler just finished his speech and is now leaving the stage. Ugh. Tyler. He always opens doors for girls and wears baseball hats decorated like Sesame Street characters. I hate that kid. I bet he wears tighty-whities. I bet he looks awful in them too.
Wow. That really works. I should send Hollywood a thank you letter.
Okay. I’m stepping towards the stage now. What if my imagination flies away and I can’t envision people in their underwear? Maybe I should just not look at the audience. It would be like trying to avoid eye-contact with someone with a giant mole. Except it would be the entire senior class. So no one would be able tell that I’m avoiding eye contact. I could stare at the auditorium wall and no one would ever know.
I can do this. I’ve worked hard on this speech. It’s the last one before I graduate. I hope there aren’t speeches in college. And if there are, I hope I can wear pajama pants during them.
Pants. Oh god. I’m not wearing pants.
One minute before
Not wearing pants. My pants are off. My underwear is out for the world to see. I must have left them in the bathroom. They were so itchy. How did I not notice them?
Avoiding eye contact with audience is easy. Ignoring their giggles is less so. Well I get arrested for indecent exposure? Do you think that would give me some kind of reputation in jail? What if my nickname will be No Pants Ned and lonely jail birds will assume that I’m an easy target?
I’m frozen in place. What if the whole school is judging me now not based on the merit of my speech, but on the color of my boxers? Note to self: if I ever make it out of here, buy new boxers tonight.
Fifteen seconds before
Peanut butter paradise thunderstorm. Great mythical flying squirrels?
No. I must not panic. I must. Stay. Focused.
I practiced this. I can do this. Just make a joke about your situation. They’ll all laugh and forget about it. Dazzle them with your words. Work through it will bullshit and flare. I’ll be just like a politician. A perfect pants-less politician. Peachy.
Three seconds after
Applause. Laughter. Peels of applause and laughter fill the auditorium. I am the rock star without limits and without bottoms. I am being pulled from the stage. The noise has ceased. I am now the rebel without applause, taking my final bow. This is it, my future before my eyes; jail, suspension, exposure, glory. Get it? Exposure and glory?
Forty minutes after
No jail. Though I still may be known as No Pants Ned for the rest of my life. Or at least my high school career. I wonder if it’s too late to accept that college acceptance into the University of Wisconsin. No one will follow me to Wisconsin. Maybe I can convince Angela to move there with me. We can lead a peaceful life pretending to be Amish, making cheese and raising our six kids.
Oh no. Angela. Was she there? I didn’t see her. Maybe she’ll talk to me once I get off suspension. Maybe she’ll start skipping the last weeks of school with me and we can do summer school together. Maybe we can sit together and she’ll lend me her pen, just like that first (and incidentally last) time I spoke to her. That would be fun.
Forty-three minutes after
I just checked. It’s too late to get into the University of Wisconsin.
Remind me to rip up that thank you letter to Hollywood.
dangerous xx L I A S O N · Fri Sep 11, 2009 @ 05:50pm · 0 Comments |