And as I search the confines of my mind I realize only one thin in this world is true. You are you. No one else. And that's what hurts the most.
No one else can be me. No one can step into my shoes. No one will accept me for me fully. Because I am not them.
And as I realize these things that come into my fragile mind, I am filled with a certain emptiness. One that is of loathing and regret And vacant of it as well.
Comparable to when you have eaten a Thanksgiving meal Several times over and your still hungry for more.
I am hungry. I have always been hungry. Nothing has filled this hole yet. I covet things in attempts to fill this space. I have stolen. I have screamed. I have yelled. I have hugged. I have loved. I had smiled. Yet nothing ever wants to fit inside this space.
Sometimes I can forget about that hole, Other times it nags and tears at me til I feel that I need it to stop. Just for a few seconds. May I have that blade? Just once. Not enough to die, just enough to silence them.
I feel like a hospital patient. Walking around stiffly in a paper-like gown. Calling out to people whom I don't know. Just asking for help, from anyone who may lend an ear. But getting nothing but tired faces, and eyes that say, "Look lady I have a life. I don't have time to deal with you, go back to your room,"
Other times I feel like a child. Helpless. Timid. Naive. Void of the worlds mutany against one another. Void of the truth that exists right outside my front door. Content with being lied to. Things were so much easier that way.
Sometimes it just feels easier, to throw in the towel and call it a day. Other times you feel a burning need to just stay a little longer and try.
I sense a lack of interest in myself nowadays. I feel lesser compared to others. And if I feel that way, it makes it easier to stand some days. And lay down on others.
I won't be Valedictorian I won't be an athelete. I won't be the popular girl. I won't be the hot emo chick. I won't be the goofy one. I won't be important.
Never have I been important. Importance has never deemed me classy. I am a drop of water in the sea of millions. I am Maryssa.
I bet you've never heard that name. I bet you've never seen my face besides dumb pictures. I bet you've never herad my voice. I bet you don't even care about me.
Only the important people are recognized. And in the society that we have created for ourselves, I come after the feces on a local stray.
XxErotic_LeprosyxX · Thu Sep 24, 2009 @ 02:36am · 0 Comments |