This world is shitty. That about sums it up. I don't feel like writing anymore, but I have to do this one time just for the sake of documentation... for my teacher, my strength, my light, my Love.
Preceding this writing, there were two separate conflicts within me, which may or may not be present anymore.
Two voices in my head, mine and the other. The other voice could be perhaps looked upon as conscience... endless guilt over everything and anything. Bashing me into dirt. Endless conversation between me and guilt, a demon and an angel. I forget which one is me at times. I don't hear the other voice right now... perhaps I killed it.
The second conflict is between two parts of me, Warm Emotional and Cold Logical. Warm Emotional is the one that makes me care.. caring is for weak. Warm Emotional puts me in agony, makes my mind race at million miles over fears, makes me insecure. Cold Logical helps me distance from myself. It tells me not to follow my heart, because my heart makes bad decisions. Cold Logical makes me do the right thing, do the actions of the advice I would give to another. I need to kill the Warm Emotional part of me before it's the end of me.
NO MORE CARING!!! I NO LONGER WILL FOLLOW MY HEART!!! Instead of killing the parts of me that makes me hate myself and I will kill the parts of me that care, because in the end I think it's that I care which I hate the most. I will bash, I will smash, and I will hide if I feel. I won't let anyone tame me. There's is no love for me in this world to be found. I will embrace the inner demon that I have been fighting my whole life. I won't try to rise above it. I am what I am, and I can't change that. Change like that for me is just wishful thinking. Hope is insanity. I am dirt.
I have a new mission... get hurt.
 niatsu · Wed Nov 11, 2009 @ 05:06am · 0 Comments |
