R-E, J-E, C-T, E-D, Rejected! Yeah, you just got rejected! Whoo!
I've had that cheer stuck in my head ever since the middle of the day.
This morning I woke up and listened to good, positive songs. First block Spanish class took forever. Then Animation. My heart was flipping in my chest.
When Adam greeted me, he used my name. A name is a powerful thing. I get tingles down my spine when someone says my name. I thought that his using my name meant something good.
The class went by as it normally would have, except the teacher actually taught for once. How surprising!
Afterwards, Adam was in a conversation with the other boys in the class and I left, figuring that I wouldn’t get an answer.
The hallway was empty. I walked slowly. I thought I heard my name again. I turned to see him walking towards me. Yes, he had said my name again.
We were both quiet. I’m pretty sure that I knew the answer before he said it. He seemed like he was hesitating for a moment, possibly unsure as to how to initiate it.
“Um, I’m sorry… but I’m gonna have to say no,” he said gently as he caught up.
It sounded like he was about to continue, but I cut him off. “It’s fine. I just… I don’t want things to be awkward or anything, ya know?”
He nodded, and we both kept cool. “Yeah, just friends, right?”
“Yep.”
There was a group of people in front of us. We separated and haven’t spoken since. But I did go to the band hallway. I didn’t totally shun him, but I think we may have made awkward eye contact, so I went into a corner and read for a while. Then I got into conversation with my guard friends.
So I held in my tears all day, had some good laughs, but it all ended as soon as I got into the house. I just cried for a while.
I’m not angry. I mean, I’m angry that I can’t be angry. I have no right to be angry. I’m still me, he’s still him, and he was very nice about it. He could have been very mean while rejecting, but he really was sincere with trying to be nice about it. I’m glad that I got outright rejected by him as opposed to some jerk. But then that’s sort of what makes it hurt a bit more; he’s actually a respectful guy that I would have been proud to date.
I tend to use anger as a sort of buffer against the pain. But this time I'm trying not to. And it sucks, because pain hurts.
Well… you win some, you lose some. “You’ve got to lose to know how to win.” This is a good lesson for me to learn. I’ve gained, like, a few thousand XP points or something. Level up to next phase of my life? Maybe?
A good thing about this is that I get a few days without him being in school; he's got an all-day field trip tomorrow and has college orientation on Monday and Tuesday. So I get a break.
Also, on an unrelated note, I've been going to therapy for about a year. I've made some progress, but there are a lot of issues that I have. I can't get to them because I get so worked up that I can't breathe or move. As my therapist says, the anxiety paralyzes me and we can't get to any of the deeper issues. So using medication for a short time, just enough to teach me the skills of how to deal with anxiety, will be helpful so I won't need the meds anymore.
My parents don't like the idea, but my mom is going to call my therapist and see what she recommends.
How fitting is it that we're just starting to read Cather in the Rye in my Lit class? Is everyone mentally ill to a certain degree? I said yes. Everyone can become a psychopath. It just takes the right amount of prodding, but everyone can go insane.
Of course, I'm stronger than that. My body just produces too many hormones that make me experience anxiety. It's all biological. I took a psych class, and I'm taking a full-year one next year.
Well, that's that, I guess. And my best friend is right; Adam is too normal. I need a wacky guy like my wacky friends.
And my brother just got a new girlfriend, whom I'm meeting tomorrow, and apparently she has a brother around my age. And if he's anything like how my brother describes his girlfriend, then maybe I have a chance at something?
Don't count your chickens before they hatch.
This is Horse lady, Katie, a lovely girl with a lovely name and a lovely everything, always optimistic but just having one bad day amongst a kajillion good ones, signing out.
Katie Sea Community Member 
|
|
