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Recently my anxiety has started kicking up in full force. I still have the medicine the hospital gave me but I don't want to take pills.It's not like it's going to make the problem go away. It's hard though because the feeling of not being able to breath is also returning. The feeling of drowning is coming back when I feel an attack coming on. I can't stop shaking then it hurts to breath, almost like I can't get enough air. I feel like someone's holding my head underwater and it scares me. I haven't been sleeping much, and when I do sleep it's restless. I wake up every hour or so on edge for some reason. Every little sound attracts me and I'm on high alert for what? I don't know. I'm uncomfortable and can't keep myself still. I've been depressed to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I'm having mood swings, I've lost my appetite and whats killing me is the crying fits.
They come randomly, I can be listening to a song or talking to someone, doing something that makes me think of him and the tears just wont stop. I've been feeling so drained as well, my drive for school is slipping and I can't seem to enjoy the things I used to. Writing has been the one thing that's keeping me sane, along with my music. But even that's fading from me and I can't stop it. I'm trying so hard to smile and act as if nothing's wrong but I just can't. I understand a lot of people can, a lot of people can act as if it never happened, as if they never felt anything.
Was everything a lie? All those words you spoke to me? The feeling you expressed? The times we helped each other through such hard things, means nothing? I believed you, every time you said I love you. Every time you said I was important, that I was amazing and that you couldn't wait till we were together. I believed you. You promised you'd always be there for me until I told you to go. I gave you my heart. It was all I had left & you left me. Now I'm alone, I told myself I wouldn't let myself get to this point with someone ever again but you were different. I couldn't help but love you and I still do. I always will and I won't regret it, I'll never regret something that made me happy.
I'm just lost as to what brought this on. Was it me? Did I mess things up? How come things turned out like this? I lay awake at night and cry thinking about all the things I could have done differently, things I could have said or done maybe. There are no answers to my questions and I'll never get to know because you've shut me out completely. And that's what hurts the most out of all this, you wont even allow me to be a friend. It's not fair to me at all because put so much trust in your words. Everyone telling me that it's pointless to care about it, to forget you, to not think about it, to just let it go. I can't do that. I'm not able to do that, to act like it wasn't real. To just "let it go" or to "forget about it". I can't forget someone I'm in love with, it's not that easy. My mind has been in a fog since then, I don't care as much about anything anymore, I try to not think about you but that's not possible.
Even though you don't want me or feel anything for me I still do. I want it all to be a dream, I just want to wake up from this and I want things to go back to how they were. I'm tired of smiling when I'm not happy just to keep people from asking whats wrong. I'm tired of forcing myself to do things instead of just laying in bed. But that's just it, I want to lay in bed. I wanna lay in bed and cry till there's nothing left, till I can't feel anything at all, then that way no one else can hurt me.
 Kanato · Thu Mar 24, 2011 @ 12:47am · 0 Comments |
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