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This is my personal space. I write here to vent and also in hopes that someone will give me insight to my thought system and correct flaws (which I have yet to receive). Mental boundaries. I find myself unwillingly censoring myself or seeking attention from whoever is hovering at the time. I will do my best to no longer do that. You might consider not reading any further. It could not be pretty or perhaps worse, a mind game to pull on your strings. I will try to speak from the heart now.. not for you, for me.
If I were to take my heart from my chest to read it as a book... I'd hesitate to read the pages out loud, just like I'm hesitating to write them down. The sense of nakedness and vulnerability... fear.
Drop into reality. I broke up with her because I felt my feelings were being neglected. I kept trying to work things out (all relationships stumble at some point) just to be shut out, leaving me feeling exhausted mentally, useless, and undesired. I stopped growing as a person, a pattern I recently notice about myself when in a relationship. The only thing that did grow were my insecurities. I felt like she wanted to break up with me, just was either waiting for a more opportune time or perhaps was to afraid to do it herself, so I did her a favor. It's no way to live. Two people need to work at a relationship.
I feel a pull towards her, like my soul wants to be joined with hers... dependence, an unhealthy one. While it sounds romantic, I should not feel like I need another person to complete me, to fill in the void inside my heart I've had all along. I need to figure out how to fill in that void myself, how to become a full grown mature person. I think I experiences this pull before (think because I doubt myself here), and they always make the previous one seem stupid and make the current one feel real. Logically speaking the next one will make this feel stupid... optimism.
My body longs for her, and only her. That will present itself to be a paradoxical problem. To be able to affectively move on I require my body to cooperate a little. Hopefully this problem will ease up with time. This seems to be a unique problem, because I have not experienced it with anyone else. Minds are extraordinary to say the least. This seemingly unconscious self-destructive tendency is fascinating.
The need to hold her and kiss her is.. too strong. Socially unacceptable. Brings me back to the whole lust and unity statements from above. I keep seeing her eyes... in my dreams.. I don't even like blue eyes.. I say. It makes me feel powerless and it frightens me of how much power another could have over me. Once again, logically I am not powerless, and contradictory to what I feel, the power resonates from within me.
Writing things out helps me put them in perspective sometimes. I am not yet fully mature, dependent individual, who needs to work on his self-esteem as well as his living situation (maybe they go hand in had). Work through my fears and face them.. face living a life without her. This too shall pass.
From my subconsciousness to my consciousness... I do hold ill will, because she didn't want to work on something wonderful as what we had (at least to me, I don't know what it was from the other side.. could have been a nightmare.. lol.. probably was a nightmare... lol... I feel boring(sometimes I'm just too content looking at your pretty self so I don't feel the need to talk)). (Told you to read at your own risk, go ******** yourself! Peace.)
P.S.: I realized that the problem stems from me convincing myself she is the one for me. There's no moving on from that mentality, so I'll have to change it.
 niatsu · Wed Feb 15, 2012 @ 05:39am · 0 Comments |
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