|
Where Has My Mother's Love Gone? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Since last September I haven't spoken to my mom. She gets mad at the smallest of things and says the meanest of things ever.
BEFORE JUDGING ME, READ WHAT I HAVE TO SAY FIRST.
She used to call me baby until I was seven years old. It made me feel loved that I had a mother who I can share anything with and she would totally understand whenever I get a mistake. She used to say that ok! You can do better next time and she tutors me every night until I get it perfect.
I think it was that one time in grade school instead of getting 1st Honor in my class, I became 3rd only. She got furious that she would lock their room with my dad so that I can't watch TV anymore to focus on my studies. I understood perfectly she was doing that for the best but even though I got 1st again, she never seemed contented with me. I graduated Salutatorian during the last year of Grade school and my mom didn't look so proud because I was second. She would then hit me with rulers if I don't get the answer right and call me bad names like b***h, stupid, crazy, no importance, useless daughter. She kept repeating these words " I wish I killed you when you were younger! I should've chocked you with your umbilical cord! You ungrateful daughter!" Well, that hurts right? Imagine hearing that over and over again. I know my friends tell me that jut let it pass through the other ear BUT MY GOD IT'S YOUR OWN MOTHER SAYING THAT. IT HURTS ALOT.
One time during NEW YEAR, I wanted to sleep in my neighbor's house with a group of my other friends. She ofcourse said NO. I tried to tell her that everything is ok because I live just one block away and its not unreasonable to. She then said that the fireworks might blow up on my face but I really said that they wont. But i lost and had to go home. We were getting ready to go to church and she pushed me and said why did you have to stay there!?! YOU ARE SUCH A PROSTITUTE! (I was only 9 that time.) She went downstairs, called my dad and left me on the stairway dripping with water, because I just came from the shower, crying and tormented. My maid arrived 2 mins after and gave me a huge hug. She couldn't believe when I told her what had happened.
There would be days when she wouldn't speak to me. There would be times when she would yell at me in so many bad words you can think of while people are walking past our house. They can actually hear what she is yelling about. She makes sure my dad wouldn't like me anymore. She loves brainwashing him! She calls me a thief when I borrow her stuff and I can't say anything when I find my clothes, lotions, make-up and anything that is mine in her area and is used without my consent. Well, great when I tell my dad about it, she goes and says but I bought this with MY MONEY. Trying to win with the money-on-your-face way.
She tries to over shine me at everything. From MONEY, CLOTHES, LAPTOPS, PARTIES, AND A LOT MORE. On my 18th birthday, I celebrated my Debut. SHE COULDN'T JUST LET ME HAVE MY DAY. She would flaunt as if it was her birthday! HAVING A DEBUT IS A ONCE IN A LIFE TIME THING! AND IT IS SO EXPENSIVE! She would just show how "awesome" she is and she ain't the celebrant. She would show her "talent in dancing" and got mad at me when I said that it would use up a lot of time and if she did wanted to dance, she should've said something a month before! IT AIN'T EASY TO PLAN A BALL TYPE PARTY! I had a year to prepare! And she ruins it She even stole my dress idea! What a biatch! And she even told the seamstress IN FRONT of my friends that "I WON'T LOSE TO YOU!" WHAT A JERK!
I speak nicely to her. I try my best to please her but HER PRIDE keeps getting in the way. I get so jealous with other people who can hug their mothers, have fun with their mothers, go shopping with their mothers, talk to their mothers, be loved by their mothers. She just gives me second hand clothes while she shops in branded stores. She goes out and parties with her friends and leaves me here at home. GOD SHE EVEN LOVES MY 9 CATS MORE THAN ME. SHE CALLS THEM BABY AND HUGS AND KISSES THEM. Am I that worthless to her? Geez.
I tell my friends, boyfriend, and dad about this but nothing seems to work. All they say is that you've gotta understand her because she is your mom. AND DON'T I MATTER? GETTING HURT JUST TO UNDERSTAND HER? GOD! I cry myself at night because when I see her, all she does is roll her eyes at me and slams a door so hard in front of me. She shows how disgusted her face is when she sees me. How can you understand that kind of person at all!?! I am hurt!
The reason I placed it in my journal is that, I can write all what I need to say without missing a lot of the important details. I can't even talk to anyone about this anymore because they just feel annoyed already and they keep telling me I can't win against her.
I DON'T WANT TO WIN AGAINST HER. I JUST WANT TO HAVE A MOTHER THAT LOVES ME, HER DAUGHTER. I WANT TO BE TREATED WELL AND TO BE ABLE TO HAVE A MOTHER WHO IS MY FRIEND TOO.
I hate her so much now.... crying
 candyronniexx · Sun Nov 25, 2012 @ 10:24am · 8 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
