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Until Skin Is Cracking and Flesh Is Peeling Off |
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I am alone but not lonely.
Then I see your face... the ground rumbles beneath me and earth spreads open, pieces falling in. My heart starts beating a little faster, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach, memories start rushing to my head, and I'm afraid I will fall in any moment now. The only thing that would reserve this is our fingertips touching and the the void would seal shut. Peak of your face is the only way for me to feel lonely.
Earth seals shut, without you. The truth that I dug up from inside is this; you are a terrible. Beneath the skin, beneath the friendships and courtesy, deep within where I have visited. I am judging you on the merit of your actions, all your actions, and my judgement is the before stated. Why would I wish that upon myself? Additionally, why would I wish that on myself repeatedly?
I do not miss you. What I do miss is loving someone as honestly and strongly as I have loved you. Perhaps when I look at you, I do not long for you, instead I long for loving someone dearly, and your face just reminds me of how much love this heart can generate. Fatal longing for pairbonding. What I could do without in the future is the specific effects you have; I only had eyes for you and thus was blind to the world, to a fault. Second, personality shift, weakening of my strong character. Possibly the mindset of "the one I want picked me" and maybe "I should bend to her will so she sticks by me". If I'm not good enough for you then you're not good enough for me, simple math. I may look like many people's cousins and friends, but beneath the appearance there's only one like me on this planet. A gem by scarcity.
Personal note, it might be important not to get to attached to anyone, keep the heart guarded and avoiding negative effects, until I achieve some life goals. Don't need yet another step back.
Others have pairbonds, friendships and family. I have none of those, but I am only aware of it if I force the thought. it does not bother me, because even though I'm alone, I am not lonely. (I am not a victim, it's just the reality I reside in.)
It's time to march on and I can hear the drums. I will not disobey and I will give it everything I got to the very last drop of blood. I have proven that to be quite literal. I will do anything to survive and i will not only survive, but I shall thrive, Biatch!
 niatsu · Wed Apr 30, 2014 @ 01:15pm · 0 Comments |
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