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<I don't know what I feel. I really don't. I don't like myself. I realize that now. I thought I did. But more than anything I want to be the ideal self I hold in my mind. But in my mind, I also have the perfect guy by my side. That's a large part of my confusion.
The minute I first saw him, I knew he was the only one I wanted. He took my breath away. He looked so incredibly beautiful and talented, I didn't know what to do. The more I saw him, the more I knew. It was meant to be, it had to be. Wicca refers to this feeling as Muirn Beatha Dan, life partner. I felt sure that in those few instances I saw him, I had found my Muirn Beatha Dan.
But as Morgan knows, some things, no matter how perfect, aren't meant to be. I know everything about him. His good qualties and bad, I don't care, I'll take them all. His bad habits, his quirks, I don't care. I loved them all. I knew he was my ideal. That one day he and I would find each other and everything would fall into place. I would become the girl I see every day in my dreams. But no matter how much I wish it to be otherwise, I will never meet him. The reason? He is dead.
No matter how you slice it, beating death will not occur in my lifetime.
Sometimes I wonder. Am I wrong? Is what I feel wrong? No matter how I deny it, I can't hide my feelings. I love him. I always will.
I see guys at school. I think "Why can't I be satisfied with one of them?" But I can't. Because in my mind I hold the image of the man I want and can never have. Maybe somewhere there's a guy who looks like him. Because, as Mako would say:
No one else ever enters my field of vision, because no one else would suit me as well>
 Momoiro no Bara · Mon May 22, 2006 @ 02:14am · 1 Comments |
