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why cant i throw a tantrum like any other teen? why cant i just be selfish and consienceless? so, i get frustrated and i throw stuff around and the second i do anything i start to feel guilty and depressed and selfish and so then i get more frustrated and throw more stuff around and feel even more guilty. and as soon as i get who ever im frustrated with away, i end up just breaking down. and at 1:30 am, when i hafta be out of the house by 8 that same day, getting frustrated with my "mom" , who just hours earlier took me shopping for a bathing suit and a present for one of my friends, really isnt a good idea. but it happened anyways.
i was looking for something that is supposed to help me floss my teeth, but she didnt pay much attention and then complained to the person on the telephone when i asked, making it sound like i was impatient and selfish. so i went off to the basement feeling all depressed and frustrated and uncared for. and then she came down, still on the phone, and asked me if i had searched my room and the basket on the stairs, which she had told me to search earlier. frustrated and feeling ignored, i reply that yes id searched all over. and as though she didnt hear me or didnt believe me, she said she was going to go search in my room and i told her not to. she kept saying to search my room and i kept saying id already searched all over, which i had, and she kept saying she was going to search my room, and i kept saying not to and so on and so forth until she turned out the light on me and went up stairs. so, i lingered behind in the dark, moping and what not. and then i came up the stairs and found out she wasnt on the main floor level where she spends most of the time. immediately i knew shed gone in my room. so i stormed up the stairs and frustrately told her that i had already searched my entire room and to get out. but she continued moving stuff around in my room. no one in my house understands that my room and my sketchbooks are SACRED to me. i cant stand when people go through them against my will. most of the time it bothers me when people do go through them. but occassionaly, ill just really be proud of something and show someone. i just cant stand it. having people go through stuff of mine, whether its highly personal, like my sketchbooks, or not, like a box of school papers. anywho, then she pointed to my desk and a stack of cds and a few random other flatish things (like a box of oil pastels) and she says is in there. she must not have realized that what she was looking for was shaped nothing like that. she had asked me if it was in the bag earlier and the thing was tiny and shaped so that the stack of flat objects would not be flat, and most likely would have lost any kind of balance. EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED AND PISSED THAT SHE IS STILL SEARCHING IN MY ROOM, i knock the entire stack off my desk(more like fling it) and yell NO THERE IS NO WAY THAT IT WOULD BE IN THERE! I TOLD YOU QUIT GOING THROUGH MY ROOM! GET OUT ALREADY! IV ALREADY SEARCHED IN HERE! ITS NOT IN HERE.
she leaves and goes down stairs and i slam, lock, and slide down my door, sinking to the ground where the teen angst takes over. and it wouldnt have been nearly so bad if i hadnt been able to hear my mom being all pissy and what not through my floor. i still would have felt guilty, but not nearly as much. i dont think she realizes that hearing any unhappiness from her really gets to me. i cant tell you how long iv been listening to her complaints about feeling ill or needing new bras. thats one of the things that really gets to me about geoff's rampages and disappearing acts. she doesnt get sleep because hes always running around and she doesnt go to sleep until he is in bed. and then she gets up any time that he goes outside and gets up way early in the morning. so he is slowly killing her and i hear about it and i feel so bad inside because theres nothing i can do to make it any better except listen to her complaints get worse and worse.
and what really sucks is im constantly having to listen to every single one of her complaints. i cant say that i dont care, because that would hurt her and it would be untrue. i cant get away from it because we are both almost always home. even when she isnt complaining to me, shes complaining on the phone, and its usually within hearing range of me. and i can never complain about anything to her, because its either awkward for me to complain about or she just doesnt listen well. it seems like any time i open my mouth to complain about something, some one yells at me for it or just brushes it off as though if they ignore me ill just go away.
s**t i hafta be up really early tomorrow. i hafta get up an hour earlier than normal too, since i really need a shower.
and i dont think i can sleep because i just feel really bad. see, its one thing to feel uncared for. its another to feel guilty for pissing off your mom and making her think that you hate her. and its a whole nother thing to feel both. and by now, mom has either made another phone call to complain to someone else, making me look like the average selfish pissy teen, or she has gone to bed. god, i feel like iv done something that geoff would do. getting pissy when she searches through my room and then yelling and throwing stuff. and to think, i was going to go to bed at 1, read my book for maybe an hour, and then try to sleep. so much for that plan.
Unni Ineo · Wed Jun 14, 2006 @ 07:00am · 0 Comments |
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