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~future~ ooo000ooo000ooo000ooo000 |
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anywho, okeee so, so many people make entries about the future and each time that i start to make a comment i tend to think of sooooo many things to say that are actually just about me that i figured, i oughta make an entry about the future. . . . (hmm. . . . since a lot of this has to do with art, i might repost this on dA)
so, the future. such a. . . . unsolidified(?) word the future is anytime from 1 milisecond later to a 1 trillion years later and beyond. it becomes the present and then the past. and no one knows what the future brings, so, no one knows what will be the present or the past until its too late.
the future is the reason why i have trouble making decisions and even when i do, i try to give only temperary, harmless answers. . . . things that i hopefully wont regret. but most of the time, that doesnt work. most of the time its questions that seem so unimportant to everyone else, but always cause me such stress. things as simple as choosing classes can be a hassle for me, thinking "what if i screw this class up? what if its too hard? what if i need something else instead?" its these "what if's" that render me paralyzed.
now, about my future, for a long while i was certain of a few things. i would go to college i would be an artist i would never get married or have children i would live in japan now, however, iv been rethinking a few of them. i still would never get married or have children. but college. . . . at this point, im worried. im not sure if i even want to bother with it. i havent any idea what id go for or where id go. i kept thinking that i would learn japanese and go live over there. but so many things make it seem like i couldnt even make it out of the state. things from pickiness of food, to fear of failure at learning japanese, to my odd anxiety of sleeping somewhere that isnt my house. being an artist is such a general term. an artist can be anyone from a cartoonist to traditional art to crafts and sculptures. using anything from a computer to paint or even craft materials. so, i love to do cartooning type things, like anime type drawings, but i can never do a story out of it. i also like traditional stuff sometimes, but most of the time, my art is an escape from whats real and most traditional stuff is boring. computers are fun to play around with, but sitting at them for hours gives you pain instead of pleasure. its less expressive and i have a tendency to slouch until my arm and back hurt so badly that if feels they are going to pop off of each other. of course, there are the performance arts which are cool and all, but i could never persue them. acting and singing and dancing are all fun, but i could never do them in front of anyone and i would never want to take a class on them because id most likely fall flat on my face. writing is fun too, but im horrible at it. i can never think of things to write, and when i do i can never remember them long enough to write them, and my "literary language" is awful. i can deal with gramatical issues and some spelling mistakes, but as far as poetic devices and sentence structure go, my writing would always sound like a second grader wrote it. and by that i mean that it would be simple. my vocab sucks too. i know a few big words but most of the time, i havent got a clue what things mean.
so, everyone i know knows that i want to be an artist. they are always asking me questions about it and trying to see what iv drawn. but a lot of my stuff, they wouldnt like and its really personal to me so i only show people close to me. my "family" . . . . i hate letting them see any of my work, especially stuff i draw for fun or because i feel like it. i often find myself wanting to draw certain things but dont because i never know who is going to see it or what they will think. hence, why most of what i draw either appears to lack emotion or has an outwardly bright, happy appearance. everything i draw is what i rarely see. color. happiness. joy. love. dont even get me started on love. i dont believe in it but i like the idea of it. i feel that no one really knows what love is. they all seem to mistake it for lust. part of why i am this way might have something to do with melissa crying everytime she breaks up with a guy or because everyone seems so miserable or because guys always seem to "have one thing on their mind" . . . . anywho, so, everyone is always giving me suggestions about what i should do art wise and always telling me how good i am. i never feel that im getting straight answers from people. and even if i am, i usually feel that those people dont know anything about art. especially not mine since the only stuff they stand a chance of seeing without having to snoop around while im not gaurding it is my school s**t. so, everyone seems to tell me what i should be. "you should be a person that buys art for museums" "you ever think of being a graphic designer" "you know you cant live off of art. you should have a nice full time job and do art on the side" "you should do charactures" does anyone have a ******** clue what my real passions are? HELL NO!! why not? becuase any time i open up and tell them, they ignore it or forget it and because there are so few people i might open up to. . . . and for this reason, i am a lost individual. i know, i know, you must be thinking wtf how did you get lost from that? becuase i myself am not even sure anymore what my passion is. anything that flows from my hands is highly censored and emotionless. it reveals nothing about myself except maybe that im trying to stay away from anything that could make people think anything other than "thats cute" or "thats pretty"
heh its funny. . . . its not until i start rambling that i start to realize things. i had noticed that i was losing a lot of passion when it came to my art. but never in a million years would i have guessed that it could have something to do with caring how people might react. right now, id love to draw something that goes completely against all my sensorship. hell, iv even censored myself against drawing anything pertaining to love because i was afraid someone in my house might find it . . . . i dont allow my characters to touch unless it is in an entirey innocent way. i.e. if they are playing or doing something like a group photo. all of my characters act like they are posing for a ******** picture to give to their ******** grandparents to make them think they are the perfect people we often see in television. i want to do an ugly piece. i want to make something dark and grey and demented and maybe even show brief nudity or something. i want to attack something and using sharp pointed edges all over the artwork. all of my artwork ends up chubby and round. i can turn long narrow chairs into short squishy things. its annoying!! my own damn art is annoying me. i havent done a truly emo picture because people suck. PEOPLE ******** STIFLE MY ******** CREATIVITY
okkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee i think im gonna end that now. erm, if you have read all of that and survived, congratulations. leave a comment so i can see how many people i didnt kill off. o and you dont hafta say anything and im definitely not looking for sympathy. i just wanted to share my views about the future and got off on a tangent/rant/ramble
hmmm. . . . so, i wonder when the next episodes of petite princess yucie will be uploaded onto youtube. . . . i wonder if one perhaps was added during that hour while i was rambling. . . . . its so adorable. you all should check it out. the first 16 episodes are currently up. although, if you cant stand adorable, girly animes you may want to skip it. . . . up until a while ago, i thought i hated them, but erm, i must admit, i love it now. . . . i cant help it gonk 4laugh
horoscope time? or not. . . . i have no horoscope. . . . or at least quizilla's thing isnt loading the horoscope part . . . . does that mean i have no future?
Unni Ineo · Wed Aug 02, 2006 @ 02:55pm · 1 Comments |
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