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something. . . . like taking away the 3D glasses. . . . |
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it all flattens out. . . . the contrast between "my kind" and "their kind" and "their kind" the differences have been blended more. . . . like having contrasting colors next to each other. . . . and then using reflective color to help create color harmony. it all seems to fit together so much more. i realized. . . . the reason why i sometimes get bad feelings about my friends drinking or smoking or anything of that sort. . . . may be because i always thought that we all were completely different from every other teen out there. i had thought we were all a completely different species that was above all the teenage tendancies people tend to get. but i realized that perhaps there really is just thin lines between us and them. or better yet, that it might not really be an "us" and a "them" so much as a "everyone" . . . . i spend more and more time just sitting around with geoffs group or poppin in once in a while, mostly out of boredom and curiosity. . . . and perhaps even loneliness. . . . and i was already trying to blend in with gregs crowd ever since i learned that greg had some pretty cool friends that were actually nice to me. he still has some really cool friends like that, but the more time i spend with each of their two groups. . . . the more similarities i see. and when I already such hatred for the one group and such enthusiam for being around the other. . . . its almost depressing to realize that their really arent so many differences between them and that all this time id been influenced by other peoples thoughts. why did i ever allow myself to become like that? i noticed when i started doing that to individual people that others said were annoying. . . . but i didnt realize how many people i did it to until recently. and then there is that awful breaker. i suddenly had the epiphany that even my own friends fit with all of this. and i suddenly feel a massive disconnect from everyone. it makes me feel like i dont belong in society and wont be able to do things that normal people do. i wont get to experience nearly as much as everyone else because they dont live with the same amounts of fear, regret, self-consciousness, and morals. it always makes me wish id just let myself join them. its part of the reason why i hate when someone asks me if i want a drink or want some kind of drug or cigaret. and then there are the very few people who condone me not doing any of the things others are doing. but for the most part, i suppose that its all just ignored. o well.
anywho, now onto the actual "journal" part of this. . . . (i consider that more of the person thoughts and randomness) so, im feeling kind of stressed. im still sick, though i actually feel quite a bit better than i did earlier or yesterday. i have an english essay to do tomorrow. my printer isnt working. i have to make a decision gonk between 3 different essay topics i can do. 2 are more traditional writing things that i could probably do, but they seem so boring and require a ton of thought and a lack of imagination. the other is more of a creative writing type thing where you have to retell something from a certain character's point of view. i would like to do that one since i can definitely get inside the character's head, but im horrible at writing, especially in a non-traditional way. and on top of that, i also need to start and get a massive amount of my architecture project for art done. but i dont really know what to do. so far, the best i can think of is doing a moody picture of my house(i dont know what view yet) in which i will try to materialize my hatred of this place.
o, on friday. . . . while being all fuzzy-headed sick. . . . i was feeling semi-outgoing. . . . i submitted one idea for a t-shirt design to econ, especially since no one else was. completely unlike me! and then a few(2) other people submitted things. then while he ranted and rambled about needing a lot more artwork and rambling about the types of products and what not and how if he doesnt get enough artwork hell cancel the project all together. and then later, during latin, this one girl that sian says i know because alex introduced her to our group once, came up and actually looked at my drawings and stuff. and the kid behind me saw a sketch i was working on and started complementing me. (odd moments. . . . im not used to them and dont know how to respond properly. . . . plus my head was foggy from being sick) o but wait! things get more awkward! i went to study hall and actually allowed my pictures to show through my binder and pulled out my crayons and started drawing the second i finished my latin, which was about 1 minute into class. the people sitting next to/near me talking saw it and just about freaked out. (as in a very positive way) they went on and on. . . . asked me if i was a sophmore eek gonk rofl sweatdrop . . . . i corrected them and let my head inflate. they started offering to pay me to do a chibi-of them, although they didnt know the proper terms in any way. i just kinda smirked. . . . i didnt feel well so i didnt exactly feel like talking much. then my nose started running out of control. o and my study hall teacher happens to be the husband of my computer art teacher, who also taught me 2D studio. so, i happened to allow the people who were freaking out to see not only the picture i was working on and the picture showing through my binder, but also the 2 others hiding behind them. and then one of them ran up to the teacher and showed them and he asked me something that i didnt understand because my ears were too foggy so i simply gave some answer and then he asked if i had stuff up and i said yeah i have something up in the main hall. and yeah. . . . then it was quiet for a bit while they went back to talking about the football game or something. . . . then the one guy kept saying hed give me $5 to make one of him, up until the bell rang. and the girls had asked earlier and offered like $3. maybe i should do a shirt design with a chibi on it xd sweatdrop
anywho, i had a dream that i actually remember. . . . ACTUALLY, i had two, though i dont remember the first all that well. i can actually explain the first and see a possible connection to my thoughts in real life in the second. the first had something to do with my arm being in immense pain, like getting it cut off or stuck or something. i woke up and my arm was hurting because i was laying on it. . . . took forever to get it to stop hurting, and then my hand was completely asleep and ahofeifhjewioj. then i finally got back to sleep and dreamed that some evil alien guy things or something were after me and melissa. and they almost caught her but i helped her. this time it mostly took place in back/side yard and the neighbor across the street from our driveways backyard, although it looked different. also i think it started out in a very different looking version of my house. o and maybe there was something about my favorite tree in our backyard? anywho, so we darted across the street where there were these 2 guys that we must have known, one was probably mels boyfriend, and we climbed in their car just as the things caught up. the car wasnt on or anything though. one of the things came up to the driverside window where one guy was and tapped on the window saying that they were only after me. mel and the other guy were in the back seat, not doing anything unless maybe they hugged or she cried at him in fear. -whoa i just remembered something else though it doesnt make sense to me- and then another came up and dragged me out and i tried to escape but couldnt and wondered why none of them cared enough to come help me. it seemed like together, we all could have gotten away, but because none of them were in any more danger, they didnt care if i was taken away. i think after that -this is the part i just remembered- there was something about some weird builiing that kind of resembled a giant kiddie play thing like they have at some restaraunts, only different. inside i dont really remember much except standing on some giant squishy block-like thing that was one of the higher points in the room. it was actually pretty cool. i think the creatures were still after me. . . . maybe there was something about a king creature and i had to come face to face with it or something. i also vaguely remember something about getting torn up or blood or a struggle as i was being dragged out of the car though thats not exactly clear to me either. anwyho, gotta love weird dreams, even if they inspire you to wonder if perhaps you feel that people really arent there for you when you need them.
horoscope time!: 09/08/2006 So much high-energy voltage pours through you today that every word and touch you give out electrifies people into movement and excitement. You're a living copper wire, conducting the power of the universe. -actually, i suppose thats appropriate with all the artsy outgoingness that poofed out of nowhere . . . . although i myself wasnt actually energetic until the end of the school day, after all those people freaked out and i became all socially worried and what not. . . . some most social situations give me massive anxiety 09/09/2006 Wild delusions are seen everywhere today, and like Quixote hunting imaginary dragons you may be tempted to fight a few battles with windmills. Instead of reacting to what you see, enjoy the show. -heh. . . . um. . . . if only id seen this before today. . . . i should have just stood by on a lot of stuff today. of course, my mind is foggy and i decided to go against my judgment. stupid thought processes! i should have gone with my insticts to just leave things be. 09/10/2006 Weird and wacky morning events provide great story fodder later in the day. All the strangeness of people is grist for a conversational mill that lets you take human bizarreness and turn it into silky, amusing stories. -well doesnt that sound like fun? i just hope it doesnt get in the way of me getting my damn school s**t done.
Unni Ineo · Sun Sep 10, 2006 @ 06:30am · 0 Comments |
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