|
|
|
I feel a lot better now. I've been worried the past feew nights because it feels like I was having anxiety problems or something, I would lash out suddenly or get really angry for no reason and I almost took it out on Sonja. I think I was having problems with not having any time to get anything done lately. I'm over it though I think, when I got home I wrote up like 2 term papers and some notes and did the rest of my laundry. I guess maybe it was just stuff buzzing in the back of my head that I was worried I wasn't going to finish, and my subconscious was trying to push me into it.
I think it could also have something do with my parents, but why it would make me feel better is anyone's guess. Yesterday was the first time they'd even mentioned my birthday, and my dad got upset with me over my indecisiveness, he needs to remember that's kind of how Libras are. The main reason I wasn't big on bringing anything up was because I'm still mad about how long it's taken them. Suddenly they want to do things as a family, when I've already got like three plans ahead of them.
My dad even had the nerve to open old wounds, and remark that I was acting like the whole situation with my graduation party. To be honest with them, I'd like to tell them in all fairness, my friends came first to me about things and I feel they should have first priority regardless. Excluding John, who did make an attempt when he PM'ed me on MySpace, and I don't blame him because he doesn't live with us and has his own life to live, I totally understand that from him.
I just think it's bullshit that they feel like they can talk to me 4 days before my birthday and just expect everything to fall into place so they can get off the hook, and I'm sick of that s**t, I never treat either of them like that, and it's not fair at all. I hate this blood/water bullshit they try to rope me in with so that I'll feel guilty if I abandon my family on my birthday. The only regret I would have would be not getting to see John, because it has been a while since we've seen each other, he's come to visit twice but I've been at work. So that's the only real problem I'd be torn with.I don't even want to let them know what I'd like for my birthday, because I'd rather not deal with their responses, I'd prefer to have nothing from them.
The part that hits me the most, is that even through all this, I feel bad because I think I sound like a spoiled brat complaining like this, and that I shouldn't be complaining or anything. But something in my mind tells me I have some grounds to stand this on, and I deserve to be able to speak my mind about this, and they deserve to listen to me. And yet, I still feel bad, because I hate when s**t like this boils up and it makes it look like my parents don't care, or that I don't appreciate people enough, and I try my goddamned hardest, and all I wanted was some damn recognition. I mean s**t, it's only my 18th birthday, the day I become an adult and a figurehead to society, that's nothing special at all.[/sarcasm]
I get so angry like this and then I can feel the hot tears on my face and it makes me even angrier which makes me want to cry in frustration even more. I mean, I still get upset when I think about that birthday card I received from my dad back when he was still going out with Kelly before she had moved in. The only thing inside the card was the message, "Sincerely, Efrain". It was like he was sending it to one of his soccer buddies and not his son, there wasn't a love or a dad in there at all. Just sincerely, like it was a letter, and his real name like I don't even call him dad. I even attacked him on the situation one time and called him out about it, but he retorted because I hadn't gotten him a Father's Day card that year, when I had, I'd just never signed it.
The part that hurts the most though, I know when he grabbed the stupid a** card. It had been when he excused himself that night we went to Chili's for my birthday and invited Kelly to see us for the second time, John's first time meeting her. He had been gone a long time, and he came back with a birthday care in his hand sealed in an envelope, as if he had been digging in the car for it all this time. I'm not an idiot, I know he ran to Von's and grabbed it and probably signed it inside the car. If it's going to be like that, why bother even giving me a card, you know? That you don't even have a sincere thought to go and get someone a birthday card, never mind your own son, is so heartbreaking.
I don't know, I'm just really upset about all this, and I have half a mind to tell them where they can shove it and run off with my friends on Friday like I'd planned. They can be upset with me until they're blue in the face, I could really care less at this point. Heh, and this entry was supposed to be about me feeling better. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest, as usual.
Earlier though, I came across a secret I feel some sort of connection to, and I wonder if anyone understands why. It doesn't matter, really, it's more of an inept curiousity, almost like I want someone to know.
Edible Substance · Mon Oct 02, 2006 @ 09:31pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|