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I guess today was never meant to be a good one for me. Alot of things have gotten me really sad and angry today. This wasn't exactly what you'd call a "Happy Birthday" for me. Let's start with this morning.
My dad and brother decided to give me my Birthday card earlier this week, and I had been keeping them on my table near my bed, to wait until today. My brother's was pretty funny, but the thing that bothered me was my dad's. It was a really fancy one, you know the really nice font, and the really huge sappy poem. Now my dad usually prefers to write things like that in my cards, but that's not what bothered me. He wrote, after all that poemy stuff, "Sincerely, Efrain (Dad)" He wrote sincerely like it was a letter. I've never seen my dad do that. He always writes, "Love, Dad" even on like little unimportant notes like when he wants me to do something around the house, or even if he's like extremely pissed at me. He wrote his name like a signature, like it was a check or something, like he was writing to his best friend. Then, for some reason, he puts "Dad" in parentheses, like I don't know it's him. It seemed like he obviously had something other on his mind than to write his own son a birthday card.
Now, for all the people who saw my sig, and my friends, they all know what I really wanted for my birthday. All it was was to be wished Happy Birthday from my friends and the people I care about, and who I thought cared about me. The whole day, I got more birthday wishes from people I didn't even know than my friends. My friend Amber (the girl who dropped the beaker) was about the only one who was truly happy to know it was my birthday. She went around telling people, which is why I got strangers telling me Happy Birthday. But only 2 of my friends, not counting Amber, congratulated me, and one of them, I had to practically drag it out of her.
Now, I'm not being ungrateful. In fact, I'm very happy for what I got. But it makes me wonder, when I get more wishes from random people on Gaia and people at school, then from the ones who it really mattered. I didn't ask for alot, did I? I just wanted to be wished a nice birthday. I even told myself in the morning, if I got at least 5 people to wish me, I'd be happy. I figured 5 was a number that wasn't too conceited a number to expect, but could be reasonable. I got 4. 4. I felt like crying. I've actually been crying all day.
What did I do? I'm a good friend right? I started thinking about what I've been doing lately. Have I been annoying? Was something I said not being taken in right? Was I being to mean to people with the jokes? I tried everything I could think of that I'd been doing wrong lately. Maybe everybody really hated me, and decided to ignore me, that way I might take a hint. I should just never say anything ever. Maybe then I might not do anything wrong. 2 people. How could only two of my friends say something, and the rest just treat me like I wasn't there? I didn't get so much as a cupcake, or anything. I've always thrown little celbrations for my friends when it's allowed during lunch, or at least made sure I went out of my way to wish them a happy day.
I couldn't stand it. What did I do to deserve this, on my birthday? All I did after school was fall in and out of sleep, cry, and wish today was over already. I can't believe my dad doesn't care, and neither do my friends. The people I practically live for. The only reason I ever try so hard in anything is to make them proud of me. They basically slapped me, laughed in my face, and spit on me. I don't even matter to them. Now, I'm not saying all my friends did this, the ones I'm excluding know who they are. All I wanted was some recognition, I didn't want presents. Just some acknowledgement, to know people wanted me there. Apparently most of them don't. And that's ok. I just won't exist to them anymore. I'm a very happy person, and people know me as someone who usually isn't and hates being sad. I tried my best to forget and move on with things. But when your own dad and best friends treat you like s**t, how are you supposed to react?
I just really want my plushie. It hurts, alot, to know people hate you like this. I need to hug something more than I ever needed anything right now. Oh yeah, here's a quote:
"I began to understand that self-esteem isn't everything; it's just that there's nothing without it." - Gloria Steinem.
I'm going to bed, to hope that I wake up, and that today was a dream.
Edible Substance · Thu Oct 07, 2004 @ 05:13am · 1 Comments |
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