|
I don't exactly know who I am supposed to be anymore. Eh. That sounds pathetic. xD I mean... more as... I'm not sure of who I'm supposed to strive to be. What role am I supposed to play? Lately I haven't been bothering with one and kind of just being all on my own...
But with everything comes sacrifice. <.< And I think that maybe I'm better off hiding my soul, even if only slightly.
...
But I'm not going to. And even if I say I'd be better off, I know I wouldn't. Sacrifice? What the hell have I sacrificed? There's a slight breakdown here and there, but I'm not going to pin it on that. 'Cause honestly... I can't give a reason why they are happening again, even if just slightly enough for me to stop them before tears actually manage to fall...
...
I basically cried myself to sleep last night. xD Holding the phone tight too. xD It was so desperately pathetic. And, I didn't even know why I was crying. I just couldn't stop. xD I'm such a baby. -.- I'm even worse than a baby. xD At least they cry for some sort of reason. Wanting something or another.
...
...
I reread through my entries quite a few many times as I type. Always wonder... how will this affect anyone...
How will this make someone else feel?
...
Is there really any point to care about my small, meaningless issues that seem to like to go away for a while and then sneek back up on me. xD
I'm sure I can make it go away again though. I'm just not sure how I did it last time. o-o
Because... and I know that I type this a lot and then get all negative... but because I really am overall, happy. o.o More happy than I've ever been. xD And this sort of happiness makes me realize, all those times before, when I thought I was happy... I really wasn't anywhere near. xD A lot of said times, I managed to more as... convince myself that I was happy. That I was supposed to be happy... >.>
Always had to at least force the smile around my family, if not my friends too. Telling myself that I had absolutely nothing to be unhappy about. o-o
Like for an example-ish type thing. I used to think Passion Flakies made me happy. xD
*eats Passion Flakie*
They don't even taste that awesome anymore. D:
But maybe that's just 'cause I grew sick of them over time. xD People will try and tell you that too much of a good thing ends up bad. <.< But what about the things that you feel you couldn't live without? Where do you place that? What do you call it?
Love is a four lettered word. o.o So simple, to describe something so complicated. >.> So human. So weak and empty, like all our words. Trying to decribe something that no one probably feels the same. xD It just doesn't work. Everyone has their own version.
Love? I dare use it. o.o Simply 'cause, it's the strongest word I can find. >.> No other word would feel just the same. And no real words could place this feeling.
But what do I know...?
I haven't lived much of a life to really talk like I know what I'm saying. xD To act like I'm so experianced in all these things, when all I really know about it is what I've seen.
What I've felt... is still pending. What I've felt is still trying to find a place. Trying to just fit into me just right. o.o But along the way, it has to kill off something's that make the fit slightly off. So as I feel parts of me that I always hated just fade away, should I worry whether I'll ever need those old beliefs again?
I feel almost completely safe... I feel I don't have the right to feel unsafe. All your warm words feel so real; I shouldn't touch them with my cold hands. >.> I shouldn't answer them with my cold words. I should just melt away the cold part of me. >.< Kind of like the way you are~
...
What's to love about someone like me? Do you want something to hold and protect? Something that seems too pathetic on its own; so broken...?
Or is it simply... I fill that emptiness inside? And it doesn't matter what I do... those kind of feelings just grow over time...
But they can also fade. <.<
And when you watch two people who thought they were in love... start to fade from each other... it reaches in your own emptiness; makes you feel it there.
...
Once upon a time, this chikka almost ended her life. Maybe not almost... almost might not be the right word. But just think... I was sitting on the edge... looking down... wondering if falling would feel like flying.
But instead.
I was sitting on my bed with a blade pressed up against my throat. o.o What a way to go...
...
So what stopped me? At that time there was no one to give me hope. It was one or two in the morning... what could have stopped me?
...
I was just too scared. 'Cause honestly, even though I was sure that I'd be alone forever... I didn't want to miss that one person who could just wipe away all of that...
Even if... that person only existed in the stories I'd write...
I guess I had more belief than I had presumed. Thank you for that. <.< Whoever you are, deep inside my head. That voice that always knows that's right. Maybe... my conscience? That voice that I had mostly ignored up until lately. >.> Have I been listening to it now, though? It says I should just be happy. <.< Not think about anything bad. Because honestly, that's just attracting it to myself. And I don't want bad. I'm too happy for that. Bad things don't seem as bad anymore.
...
Maybe I've reached a point where life feels like an illusion. Like I'm a storybook character that someone decided to make things 'perfect' for. Perfect...
I never wanted perfect. >.> And I know there is no perfect... but maybe that's just like the word 'love'...
Sometimes it's just the word that can describe things best...
...
I'm not sure if this would seem negative or positive...
Wasn't exactly shooting for either... just a neutral feeling. Just organizing my thoughts again. Trying to place everything in the right filing cabinet... what needs to be kept, what needs to be erased?
...
It's my life right? I'm supposed to do what I want with it... but I've never been given the priveledge before...
I still need to be taught a lot of things... and I even if I seem reluctant at times... I really do want to learn~
...
...
Well there you go. xD I got my mom already pissed off at me. *sighs*
I wonder if it's her or us. >.> She makes sure to inform us that we're the one's driving her crazy.
Okay, well, now she's telling me that I go on the internet too much. And can only go on during my hours. Yay. >.> Why does she have to be such a b***h anyway. >.<
I screwed up the laundry. >.> I ******** screwed up the laundry, so she's going to take some of my internet time away. And the funny thing about all this... is she thinks I did it on purpose, that I tried to burn the house down or something, just so she wouldn't ask me again. xD She's insane.
But mreh. >.>
...
I get so sick of living here. I get so sick of listening to this... if it wasn't so cold... >.>
I'd probably just leave. xD Where would I go? I don't know, I just don't need this stress.
She's not really pissed at me anymore. xD She's just informing me I have no common sense. I'm stupid. She tells me like I don't know. >.>
...
So many times I've felt like this. xD Just the urge to pack up some stuff and leave. >.> The ******** b***h does drugs right in front of me and thinks I'm too stupid to tell the difference. xD Then she freaks out over the fact that I made a little mistake with the laundry. -.-
...
I'm just overreacting simply 'cause I've grown tired of these people. I love them. I do. >.> They're my family people, but maybe... they'd honestly be better off without me. xD Or maybe... at least the other way around...
...
Well hasn't this been a bright and wonderful entry~
I should learn to stop myself before I start ranting and/or babbling.
Kind of wish I wasn't alone right now... <.<
But nothing I can do about that~
...
I'm going to stop here... sorry for wasting so much of your time. >.<
- Sakura Lied.
 Lyccea · Sun Jan 28, 2007 @ 02:49pm · 0 Comments |
