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I am an atheist. (I say this now assuming you won't bother to read all of this)
My mouse just died. At about 12:19/12:20 (10:19NST) I looked over in her cage, and I saw her lying there. She has been through a lot. I got her over the summer and when I brought her home (she was just a baby, not an actual newborn, but still a baby) I was another mouse named Tuna (yes, I named my mice after fish). Tuna was a little over a year old when I got Anchovi (which I think is pretty old for a mouse). I think that getting Anchovi helped Tuna live longer, I think it was good for her. Tuna lived for probably about 2-5 months after that (I think she died maybe a little after October or something, I really don't know though, I'm bad with months and dates and things). But my point is that I think Tuna lived to be pretty old, because she stayed a live for a pretty long while after I got Anchovi. Obviously, seeing how my mice were in the same cage (they were like mother/grandma and daughter mice, why wouldn't they be?) Tuna ended up dying in the cage with Anchovi. I did not see Tuna right when she died, but I think that Anchovi was even sleeping next to or cuddled up with Tuna when she died. Ever since that happened Anchovi seemed different. I know you probably don't think that mice have very strong feelings, but Anchovi seemed really depressed. I didn't expect her to be happy though, I know I wouldn't be. I held her and wanted to comfort her, but she still seemed different. Her cage has a wire-like cover on it, and she had started climbing up there and hanging and then falling. I know a lot of you are probably laughing at me and my dead mouse right now and thinking I'm a troll or an idiot or something, but please, just try to understand my situation and be as sensitive as I am. Anyways, Anchovi was just never the same after Tuna died. I guess that's because it wasn't the same. I wanted to get another mouse because I thought maybe it would make her feel better (and I like mice) but my mom said no so I couldn't. I'll admit, I'm an extremely unstable and sensitive person. I wanted to start an ant farm once but I decided it was better not to because I knew I'd be way too sensitive for it. I wouldn't be able to handle seeing such short-lived animals die under my watch. But I love my mice, I love all animals, I love them so much and I think every single creature is equal when you look at things logically. My mouse died, my mouse is dead. She's gone now and there's nothing I can do. A lot of times when I see or hear of death, I always feel so regretful, especially if it was someone or something I knew, like a pet (which is even worse). But this, this is really my fault. It is MY FAULT. I know I didn't want her to die, and I didn't do this on purpose. But either way there is no excaping it. Maybe if I had never taken responsibility for this mouse then she would've lived longer, and she would've never had to go through anything like losing Tuna like that. I was sick with the flu all last week. I was literally lying in bed. I could barely even find time to let my ferret out. I hated having to be so dependant on my mom knowing I had no one else to help me and not feeling well enough to get up and make food and even if I could then I wasn't able to stick my hand in the bag of bread or anything without having to worry about getting my germs on things and spreading my flu; I am kind of paranoid about germs, even my own germs. And even know that I'm back in school, I've been feeling a littled stressed and over-worked. I have/had a lot of make-up work (I've already turned in a lot/most of it though, I worked way harder than I'm used to making myself work). I am selfish, I am so selfish and I hate myself. I wish I had been the one to die and not Anchovi, Anchovi didn't deserve it, not near as much as I did. Anchovi was not a STUPID SELFISH b***h like I am. God, oh god, I hate myself. I wish someone would kill me. Don't you care tell me I'm overreacting, because Anchovi mattered. She mattered so much. She mattered to me and I didn't show it enough. I over-sleep and I pocrastinate. I have ADD and I lack self-control and I over-sleep. I am not fit for life, I am not cut out for it, and I don't deserve it. When I saw Anchovi lying in her cage, I opened the top of the cage and I grabbed a bag of mouse food. I put food in front of her, I stroked her back with my finger, and I tried to get her to eat. I swear, she had to have been breathing for atleast one split second when I saw her. I caught her before she died but I was too late, she wasn't eating. I stay there and I stroked her and put food up to her mouth and in front of her and around her and everything I could without burying her in it. I did not know if she was dead or not, and I still don't know what moment is was when she died. I might've been seeing things, I might've been hallucinating because I wanted her back so badly, but after a while of crying I though I saw her breathed or move slightly a few times. I know the nerves or whatever still move sometimes after something has died, and I know that sometimes people like me may hallucinate when they really eally want something, but I thought I saw her moving, and I don't know when she died. No, I still don't believe in God, but that has nothing to do with my being extremely sensitive and what is probably your definition of crazy. Even if there was a God/I believed in a God, I would not feel any better. I might actually feel worse. The one thing I hope is that Anchovi is at peace now, and that she didn't suffer to much because of me. My mice usually die over-weight, not boney. They gain and lose weight more quickly than what would normally be expected, I am the same way myself. I just wish I could've gotten food to her earlier or done a better job of feeding her, and I hope that it is not COMPLETELY my fault that she died, and maybe that this is what she wanted and that she would be happy now.
If you actually read all of this, thankyou. Thankyou so much for tolerating my stupidity and my sobbing and letting me waste your time. I know that I am a waste of time, and I know that every day of my life I want to die for some reason or another. And I hope that I do. And I would die, but I have responsibilities. Two of those responsibilities are now dead (Tuna and Anchovi), but I still have two cats and two dogs and a ferret and birds and my sister's hamster (my sister doesn't take care of her hamster and doesn't allow me in her room either, but I still care about the poor thing and I do think that she atleast feeds it and gives it water and has a few things thrown in the cage for it). And maybe when these pets are gone I will be too. But for now, these pets really matter to me. And in order to make sure that they're ok I have to make sure that I'm ok. But really, sometimes I regret adopting them. I feel like I don't deserve them, because I don't think that I deserve life either, but my pets DO deserve life. Once again, thankyou. Thankyou for tolerating me. I WILL be putting this in my journal along with this thread, but people don't usually read my journal and I guess I just like to waste peoples' time and I want them to read this and try to comfort or help me. Thankyou.
This makes me cry a little, but it's good to remember. Here is a picture of Tuna and Anchovi right when I had just gotten Anchovi. They weren't really buddy-buddy just yet, but this is still a picture of them:
Tuna was the old-looking white one in front, and Anchovi was the energetic one in back running on the blue wheel.
Pinny Nickels · Wed Feb 14, 2007 @ 07:43am · 2 Comments |
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