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I have come to the conclusion that I have masochistic tendencies. What has brought me to such a startling conclusion? Well it all started yesterday when I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a printer cord for my mom. I stopped by the children's books, because that's what I always do, and that is when I saw it. My room mate says she told me about it a long time ago, but I completely forgot about it, so when I saw it myself I actually had a double-take. "No way. No one could be that lame." I thought. So I picked up the offending book and sure enough, they were.
Vampirates. That's right. Vampire Pirates. Now, a rational person would have looked, laughed, and moved on. But like I said, I'm masochistic. I bought it. Read it. And almost horffed. It's bad. Really bad. It's so bad, I'm laughing. It's like watching the X movie. You don't actually enjoy the piece of crap, you just like to make fun of it.
The Plot:
Just because I'm sure you're just dying to know....
Twin siblings Connor and Grace Tempest lived with their father in a small port village in Australia until their father tragically died when they were 14. Ever since they were little their dad would sing them an old shanty about a very special pirate ship. Wanna hear it? Sure ya do!
"I'll tell you a tale of Vampirates,
A tale as old as true.
Yea, I'll sing you a song of an ancient ship,
And it's mighty fearsome crew.
Yea, I'll sing you a song of an ancient ship
That sails the ocean blue...
That haunts the ocean blue."
Ok that's enough of that. The shanty is four verses long and each verse is more annoying than the last. But will they let you forget the song? NO! They sing it over and over and over again! It's the most ridiculous thing ever and it doesn't even rhyme!
Anywho, the bank decided to help the struggling twins by foreclosing on everything that their father owned (at least that's realistic). But before their forced to either go to the orphanage or be taken in by a nice, rich, old couple, they stole their dad's ship and tried to run away. I mean seriously! If nice people with money wanted to take me in, that's totally what I'd do...
Well they got caught in a storm and the boat sank. Connor was fished out of the ocean by the first mate of a pirate ship called The Diablo... Ok, does that bother anyone else, cause it really bothers me. The Diablo. They aren't even Spanish pirates! The first mate is a Chinese girl who graduated top of her class from the Pirate Academy who fights with two katanas....Yeah....And aparently she loves the idea of piracy being turned into a bureaucracy....
Couple days pass, blah, blah, saves captain from assassins, blah, blah, sword fighting lessons, blah, blah, loot a ship, blah, blah Connor gains respect on the pirate ship while maintaining hope that Grace is still alive.
Meanwhile, Grace woke up on the deck of a very strange ship. She was rescued by a dashingly handsome Irish boy by the name or Lorcan Furey. For some odd reason, he wont let her look out the window of her cabin, much less actually leave it. Blah, blah, odd behavior, blah, blah, creepy captain, blah, blah, vampire pirates that don't actually pillage or plunder, just sort of sail around and do nothing, blah, blah, evil vampirate....you get the idea....
Eventually they're reunited. End of book. To be continued in ego-stroking sequel. (Yes a sequel comes out in June. There was an ad for it on the free bookmark that came with the book.)
It's really just....bleh....Not only does this guy not know ANYTHING about pirates, he doesn't even know anything about vampire lore.
Oh yes, did I mention that it takes place in the year 2505? Does the author play off of this? No. The kids lives before setting sail were like if they lived present day. Then they get on the ships and we're back in the 18th century. I'd accept that for the vampirate ship, but the regular pirate ship is exactly the same. Actually, the vampire ship is a little more realistic because everyone on it is dressed from whatever era they came from. A flood is mentioned, but never used to describe the world. It may as well just take place in the golden age of piracy.
As if the plot wasn't bad enough to condemn this book. The writing is bad. The language is bland. The story flow is just plain terrible. Everything is so forced. It's awful. I only finished it because once I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore, I was half done. Well, I got that far. May as well not waste my five bucks. That, and I really wanted to write this. smile
Let's say I'm being too critical. Let's say this thing is actually supposed to be a comedy. The plot sounds like it should be a comedy. There's even a bar wench called Sugar Pie. Well, I'm sorry but this guy just is not Douglas Adams. He can't be completely serious and perfectly hilarious at the same time. It's too serious to be a comedy. I can't even crack jokes at it! It's so lame it speaks for itself!
Maybe your kids would like it, but why put yourself through the trauma of having to read it to them? Why not just read Peter Pan? It's fun and interesting and loved by everyone! Perfect pirate novel!
I give Vampirates .5 bottles of grog out of 5.
 PsychoBunnyFire · Fri Apr 20, 2007 @ 04:40am · 0 Comments |
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