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So things have changed a lot since my last entry. These entries are just me talking to myself basically. I've met some new friends and done some new things. But I have a change coming up that is kinda scaring me. New job (well course). Its for 10 weeks. Because I have some mental illness' this is really freaking me out. But I need to do it. I can't keep doing the same thing I have. It's really freaking me out because I don't really do new things. I've been at the same job for 7 years, and I know everyone and I know what I'm doing. I think maybe it's normal to be scare of change but I'm really scared. I have a really hard time meeting new people. I'm always scared I'll say the wrong thing, I don't really have a filter and with my previous job I never needed one. I had to leave my job because of medical reasons. The medical professionals haven't figured out what is wrong with my intestines yet. It's caused me to be unreliable in my job. So I took a medical leave from work. I didn't file anything cause my job is not a normal job with normal hours. Where I live there is a very high unemployment rate. I know a lot of people use that as an excuse but here it's very true and with the mental and phsyical issues I have it makes it even harder to find a job. I really wanna do this course but I'm really really scared. I know it's a good thing but I'm just nervous. I also overthink everything. EVERYTHING. I'm sure everything will be ok. These are good people I'll be working with. Someone I know is employed there. I just worry about doing something I'm scared of. Like driving a forklift or working with power tools. It's taken me a long long time to even get use to using a impact gun for my job. I use to use a damn tire iron. Which made my job really hard. I'm just scared. I don't like change. I like change at my own pace but I gotta do this. I gotta. I feel like my life is going no where. I have to change something, I gotta do something. So this is what's gotta happen. I can't do this "stand still" any longer. My old job I love it. I'll go back to it when I get my medical issues figured out. But at this point who knows how long that will take. It's really not easy and I'm sure a lot of you (if anyone reads this) suffer from something that stops you from doing what you want to. And it's scary to do something new. I love learning but again at my own pace. And sometimes I'm very easily confused and it's hard to explain what I'm confused about. I just want things to work out but life doesn't just do that for you. I gotta make the changes and I gotta get things done. I feel bad for the people who have been by my side this whole time and have seen that I've been suffering. It's not easy for me but it's not easy for them either. If I can't tell them what to do (because I don't know) they can't help. It's been a long couple months of struggling. Trying to find out what's wrong. Leaving my job. Leaving behind my security at that job. It's all so new to me. I know I'm over thinking and I know I'm justified in how I'm feeling. I know I have support with what's going on but I'm scared starting this new course will be harder because I won't have the same support I had at my old job. Some people just can't understand or don't care to. And I had a really good support team at my job. So I'm really scared. Like can I tell the instructor or teacher that I'm paranoid or nervous or I have a hard time doing certain things. How do I bring that up? What do I do if it becomes overwhelming? This is all so new to me. I have so many questions. I really hope things go well and things turn out. I'm gunna try though. I'm going to. I can't just do the same things over and over. I need to change something. It's only 10 weeks its not forever. And it will get my foot in the door and I'll be able to try something new and I'll be able to learn new things. It might be more of a challenge for me than most people (and it might be harder for most people than me) but I gotta try. 10 weeks will fly by and it will help me learn more about myself too, I'll be able to kinda find out what I actually wanna do and what I am capable of. So this will be good. Right?
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