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I went out and got all the Valentines! omg their so cute!

I have begun, yet again, shutting people out. If I'm cold I apologize, but I can no longer handle having emotions.

For those that don't know, Yes. I have mental problems, some of which have caused people to run and hide when I enter a room (rather sad occasion). I normally hide my emotions because I'm afraid of how people react to them.

I don't like talking about my problems that often, and if I start (Mark knows how it is) I cannot stop.

I bottle things up so deep inside that I made a psych who had worked for over 15 years listening to things, quit because I terrified him with the stories of what I've seen and been through, and how I feel at times.

I am more of a listener, than a talker, and I'll always be around to help my friends with their problems, unless my own are so bad I don't wish to be around people, and usualy I'm over that in a half hour or so.

I'm the kind of girl who has issues cuddling with those I'm with, who has problems opening up, and talking about whats on my mind. The daggers are so deep inside the doors are wedged shut from both sides, and I was treated wrong in my first relationship, and fear getting close to those that love me.

I grew up taking care of 2 of my siblings until they were teens, and then went to stay with my mother, and there took care of the 3 youngest. I've bounced from school to school, and havent been able to keep real friends outside the online world for over a year or 2, short of Kim, Fe, and Brandy (though that friendship ended when she spread things about me), because I don't trust easily and normally would just float away.

I've seen death and fear the sight of blood.

I fear spiders, snakes, and going over bridges in a car next to an 18 wheeler. I do not fear being alone, or enclosed spaces, normally preffering to be alone in my closet.

Anyway....

I've come to learn life is never what it appears. The phrase "Don't judge a book by its cover" circles everything I've seen, and what I've come to realise, is that theres so many things going on, every ripple of what you do affects it. A hello to a stranger, a dollar to a homeless person, all these things can cause effects.

Your hello could save that strangers life. Your dollar will feed the homeless. You just never know what your actions will cause..

I'm not sure what all I'm trying to say, I'm just a little out of sorts again.

As my grandmother pointed out, I tend to be a pessimist, and in so doing, alienate those around me, constantly thinking "Their just another one, come to hurt me" or whatever, and I never really give anyone a chance. I'm trying to change for the better, and I hope to do better to those few friends I still have.

If I've wronged you at some point, I apologize. I don't mean to hurt people.. but I always wind up doing it.

That's all I've got to say, I've got some bandages to go fix now.

Even though I doubt anyones reading this anyway... Oh well, I guess.

I got a message today from one of my "GirlFriends", basically saying she hated my guts because her fiance left her because of me.

Saying he started talking about wanting to be with me.

And other things.

I messaged her back with the following:

"If thats the truth,
I did you a favor.
True love doesn't change on a dime
Falling over yourself for another
Its pitiful and a crime.

I don't want your man
Its plain to see
He was looking for a way out

So you could blame me."

I felt like a poet, but the message is simple.

If its love, regardless of who you meet, it will never change how you feel.
If your with someone, theres gotta be love or it'll never work.

Don't blame the new object of your loves affections for their wayward turning. Cuz if they loved you like their supposed to, not even Pamela Anderson could make them change.

Thats the truth behind love.

So kindly stop with the hate mail on how much you hate me because I turn your guy/girl around.

It's not my fault.

I've just got that keen ability I guess.



In love happily
Until this time fades away

~*~RejectedChild~*~

I kissed the ring upon his finger
Swore my loyalty and my heart
Yet bitter words tore my happiness to shreds

What can be held when there is no trust?
What can be kept when there is no hope?

Accusations do not make people close..
They drive them away...

Innocence proof
Innocent words
None of it enough

Now I am alone...

And I only have myself to blame.

Im falling from grace
Lost in a sea of tears
Oh nothings the same as it was yesterday
Virtues have been forgotten
Everything is spinning
You and i are now apart
Oh what am i to do
Unity with you all i wanted
Slipping into darkness i fade
Happy is what i wish you to be
Always eternally
Damn the words i chose to say
Oh what i wouldnt give to take them back
Without you i am nothing...

My dearest please forgive

So yeah.. basically i gotta start my whollllle Journal all over again. whoopie. Um for earlier notes, go look at ~ReJeCtEd_BuNnY~ yeah thats my old account. >.<;;

Ok for my About Me.. the person behind the character:
Im 17, going on 18 (next month! Woo!) im a redhead with blonde streaks, blue eyes that change color in some lights, meaning they can be blue, green, purple, or grey. Im pale, and i have freckles. I wear glasses because im nearsighted. I talk funny. my teeth are crooked due to multiple falls and no money for braces.
Im a high school graduate, whos looking to go to college and get a job making video games. Im totally crazy. I love anime and manga. I draw chibi style. if you dont know what that is, look it up.
I get crushes easily. But i rarely fall in love. if i tell you i love you, its the truth. dont ask me why, cuz im crazy and i dont know. If i love you now, and i tell you so, do not ask me 10 minutes from now if i love you. that annoys me.
I fight alot. i curse. i use weird language. Its how i am. Dont like it? tough. no one said you had to like me.
I am an otaku. it means i adore Japanese anime and manga. im getting to the point where you can name a character, and ill tell you what anime their from.
I say things twice. got an issue tough
I say things twice. got an issue tough
:p

I'm the oldest of 6, count em 6 blood siblings.
Though in that catagory, my sister and i are pure blood, my first brother's father is my first stepdad, and the other brother and 2 sisters are by another father.

Im a mental patient. i suffer from MPD (multiple personality disorder) so basically i can be weepy and crying one moment, yet the next ill be all rainbows and butterflies happy.

I write poetry for a living. so if you would like a poem, let me know ok? i charge 100 gold a poem, all you have to supply is what you want the poem to be about.

More later...