sofunny/twilightdiss
BELLA SWAN VAMPIRES BETTER THAN YOU!
So meanwhile, everyone's like NOOOO DON'T LET BELLA EAT THE BABY and Edward's like "No, srsly, you guys, there were these hikers in the woods" and Emmett's like "AHAHAHAHA I TOLD YOU SHE WOULD EAT PEOPLE" and Edward's like "No, she totally ran away first! It was awesome!" and Jasper's all "EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO SULK NOW."
Hey, where did Jacob go?
HOSHIT JACOB WENT TO SEE CHARLIE AND FURSPLODED IN FRONT OF HIM ON PURPOSE.
The place where BELLA SWAN IS BETTER THAN YOU.
...but the werewolves intervened and snarfled him.
And then Eleazar realizes that that's what the Volturi does : kills and burns and devastates, and then accepts "repentant" vampires into their numbers. And of course the "repentant" ones, the ones they just magically let live, are the most talented. And which family is full of talented Mary Sue vampires? OH s**t. And that's why Aro's taking a full month to march the entire Volturi down (over?) to Forks to administer the "punishment" for having an alleged child vampire in person: to add to his collection. And that's why Alice got the hell out of Dodge.
So anyway, there's three head vampires: deceptively dotty old Dumblevamp Aro, mean aggressive Caius, and Marcus, who doesn't really give a s**t but he gets dragged along on these things anyway. Aro and Caius basically have a good cop/bad cop routine, and Marcus has an "Are we done yet?" routine.
So meanwhile, everyone's like NOOOO DON'T LET BELLA EAT THE BABY and Edward's like "No, srsly, you guys, there were these hikers in the woods" and Emmett's like "AHAHAHAHA I TOLD YOU SHE WOULD EAT PEOPLE" and Edward's like "No, she totally ran away first! It was awesome!" and Jasper's all "EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO SULK NOW."
Hey, where did Jacob go?
HOSHIT JACOB WENT TO SEE CHARLIE AND FURSPLODED IN FRONT OF HIM ON PURPOSE.
The place where BELLA SWAN IS BETTER THAN YOU.
...but the werewolves intervened and snarfled him.
And then Eleazar realizes that that's what the Volturi does : kills and burns and devastates, and then accepts "repentant" vampires into their numbers. And of course the "repentant" ones, the ones they just magically let live, are the most talented. And which family is full of talented Mary Sue vampires? OH s**t. And that's why Aro's taking a full month to march the entire Volturi down (over?) to Forks to administer the "punishment" for having an alleged child vampire in person: to add to his collection. And that's why Alice got the hell out of Dodge.
So anyway, there's three head vampires: deceptively dotty old Dumblevamp Aro, mean aggressive Caius, and Marcus, who doesn't really give a s**t but he gets dragged along on these things anyway. Aro and Caius basically have a good cop/bad cop routine, and Marcus has an "Are we done yet?" routine.
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POKEY
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Roaaar!
I am SICK of the stupid culture project!