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for the sake of stupidity
105 WAYS TO GET KICKED OUT OF WAL-MART
1. Take shopping carts just for the purpose of filling them and stranding them at random locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store and refuse to get off.
3. Turn off all of the lights and yell 'JOIN THE DARK SIDE'.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment
8. Go up to some old guy & say "Grandpa!! You're ALIVE!! It's a MIRACLE!!"
9. Take something from someone else's cart, when they say "HEY! That's mine!" call the security and say that the other person was trying to take your ...
10. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
11. Hide in the center of the clothes circle where people find shirts, and then jump out and yell "VIVA LA FRANCE!!".
12. Go into the dressing room, wait a few minutes, then yell "THERES NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!!".
13. Hide between clothing and then jump out and yell "PICK ME!".
14. Set off an Elmo toy in the middle of a hallway. If someone comes to pick it up, yell 'HORRAH! I'M NOT CURSED ANYMORE!'.
15. Put a Dora toy on the floor and when someone tries to pick it up, yell, "Swiper No Swiping!".
16. Hide in a boys clothes rack, and when a boy with glasses walks by, scream, "You're a wizard, Harry!".
17. Throw a fake rubber snake into some lady's face and watch her freak out
18. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
19. Play with the cash register and then say the check-out lady broke it.
20. Go on the intercom and say "Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers, attention Wal-Mart shoppers- There is a huge sale at Target".
21. Take all the clothes of the rack and pay for them at Target
22. Take a soda from a Coke box, drink it, and when an employee comes and says, "Are you gonna pay for that?", get another soda and drink it. Repeat until kicked out
23. Set the alarm clocks to go off one after another. Watch the employees desperately try to shut them all off.
24. Put a 'Caution-Wet' sign on top of a toilet.
25. Ask if you can try the canoes and demand they provide a river.
26. Sing 'Over the rainbow' into the intercom.
27. Use the security monitor as a mirror to pick your nose.
28. Tell some guy that you can't tell if he's a boy or a girl.
29. Get school supplies and run into a wall saying "I'm late for Hogwarts!".
30. Run into a wardrobe, FULL SPEED, and when you hit the back scream "WHERE'S NARNIA?!".
31. Stare at expensive jewlery and drool on the glass display cases.
32. Buy 350 cans of tuna, and when the cashier tells you the price, start yelling and screaming saying "This can't be right, you have to take them back!"
33. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code Pink in housewares,..." and see what happens.
34. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use white-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund
35. Get a cardboard box, go in the store and pop out of the box and give out candy to passerby
36. Find the fish section and when someone walks by begin to pet the fish tank and say, "I know how you feel..."
37. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room
38. Bring your pet pit-bull into Wal-mart. Act casual. If someone is brave enough to walk up to you and tell you to get out, simply reply "He's going to help me pick out his favorite dog food"
39. TP as much of the store as possible
40. When you hear something on the intercom, get on the floor and yell 'AHHH! THE VOICES THEIR BACK!'.
41. Dress up in a trench coat & wear sunglasses. Walk up to someone browsing and say "The rooster is in the nest" Wait for a reply. After they finish talking, hand them a cap gun and whisper "use this wisely."
42. Go to the music aisle and start singing horrible karaoke
43. Stare at a customer for a long time while saying, "Hello, hello, hello" nonstop until they get really mad.
44. Let a collie lose in the store, then scream, "Lassie, come home!".
45. Go in to the camping department and enter a tent then tell random customers that they can come in if they bring a pillow from the bedding department.
46. Broadcast K-mart commercials over the intercom.
47. Go up to the bagel section with cream cheese all over your face. Then start chanting, "We love bagels! We love bagels!"
48. Over the intercom say there is a big sale on all items in electronics department and first 10 people to the check outs gets one item free. Go over and see what happens.
49. Randomly start putting different size undergarments in peoples carts
50. 1. Kiss hands and shake babies.
51. Run through the store and jump on random peoples carts singing I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODYS NERVES!!
52. Go up to random people and poke them. If they ask you what you're doing or tell you to stop, tell them that you're trying to find out what they ate for dinner last night
53. Do your American Idol audition in front of the security cameras
54. Get a marker & go over all the barcodes with a line then go purchase your items... the person who is serving you will have to enter all the barcodes in by hand
55. Go up to some of the customers while your carrying a paper bag and say "trick or treat!" and if they don't give you anything, do the sad puppy dog face
56. Hide under a big pile of clothes and throw random objects at people when they walk by
57. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good Bessie."
58. Walk up to a pizza place and ask for a McChicken
59. Go to the bathroom with a cantaloupe (hidden) Make grunting noises and drop the cantaloupe in the toilet. Then say "Phew, That's better"
60. Put blue paint on your hand and when you see someone put your hand on their shirt and point at them and say, "A clue a clue!"
61. Go to a clerk and tell them u lost your son and ask if they can call his name over the speaker! When they ask u his name make up a ridiculous name
62. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters
63. While Humming the theme to Mission Impossible While wearing all black, knock over all of the cans
64. Take all the CD's put them in the wrong place and when an employee puts them all back yell at her and mess them up again
65. Go to the front of the store in a baby diaper and ask a macho guy to change you
66. Take a friend with you and a younger child and start arguing over who gets custody then have the child run away and out of the store and yell "CILLY COME BACK!!".
67. Climb up a ladder & try doing a King Kong thing.
68. Run through the make-up department and yell, "There's a dead body in aisle 3!!"
69. Grab a can of whipped cream & find a bald guy Spray it on his head
70. Dress up in a fairy costume, and climb up a ladder and when people go by say "your wish is granted"
71. Dress up as a giant smiley face and whip price signs! Then yell "ROLLBACK!!"
72. Walk up to someone act like you can read their mind & say... sir or madam... don't think that.
73. Walk towards a group of people and hit your head and say in a loud voice, "Shut up in there."
74. Put make up all over your face so it looks like a 2 year old did it and then say, "She's horrible at giving make-overs!" and point to a random woman.
75. Go up to random people and ask them if they will be your friends then link arms and start to sing the friends theme song
76. Ride around on a 3-year old's bike screaming, "The British are coming! The British are coming!
77. Smear ketchup on yourself, lie on your back in the kids aisle, and pretend to be dead
78. Lay a 20 dollar bill on the ground and back away and when someone tries to pick it up run up to them and yell hands off my dollar!! Then got to a manager and tell him that they stole 20 dollars from you
79. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles
80. Try all of the sodas and put them back then say, "Yup, that stuff's not poisonous."
81. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down
82. Run up to random people and ask if they like green eggs and ham
83. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags, then attempt to fit others into very large gym bags
84. Bang on the pots and pans in the cooking aisle
85. Act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions
86. Swing on the half price banners
87. Go up to a random person and tap on his/her shoulder. When the person looks at you, ask what and walk off like you're annoyed
88. Burp and say "Mmmm, tasty".
89. Hold Barbie for ransom
90. Run around with a country music cd and sing Queen's "We Will Rock You"
91. Throw random items over into the next aisle and see if you can score into someone's cart
92. Ride around in a Barbie jeep with Barbie in the front seat and act like you're talking to her by saying "Let's bust this joint!"
93. Wrap a hose around you and shout, "AAH! I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE!"
94. Do your own radio show over the intercom
95. Go to the aisle with the Star Wars stuff and hold up a Luke Skywalker toy and say "Luke, I am your father" and make breathing noises in your darth vader mask.
96. Glue pennies on the floor 'heads' side up
97. Knock over all the shelves and run around screaming 'EARTHQUAKE! EVERYON RUN!
98. Find a pair of walkie talkies and have a conversation with your self when everyone is watching you
99. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices
100. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over
101. Throw skittles in the air saying 'TASTE THE FREAKIN' RAINBOW!
102: Get a walky talky and place it in a random isle, then talk into it and see if someone talks back. Or if they do talk back say, "Im watching you Mr. Mrs."
103: Get a 20 dollar bill, tie a string to it and when someone tries to grab it pull the strong so they have to chase it and watch how long they run for it.
104. Grab a dog leash from the pets aisle, tie yourself to the shelf, and bark at growl if someone walks by.
105. Go to the candy aisle, and start yelling "I KNEW Candy Mountain was real! I KNEW IT!"
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
1) On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
2)On a bag of Fritos:You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
3)On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
4)On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
5)On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
6)On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
7)On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
8 )On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9)On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)
10)On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
11)On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
12)On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
13)On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
14)On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
15)On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chainwith your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN”
5. Put Decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Expresso.
6. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
7. Don't use any punctuation
8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
10. Specify that your drive-through order is “To Go.”
11. Sing along at the Opera.
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why all the poems don’t rhyme.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
14. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
15. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I WON! I WON!”
16. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,"Run for your lives, they’re loose!!"
17. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
18. Go in front of your classroom and shout "I like pie!"
19. greet all your friends with a tackle.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...
20. Copy and paste this list to someone's profile to make them smile...It's called therapy.
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- The Cheshire Cat