sweet i have an army

me to

>_>

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. "The moral of this story is:" "Always keep your condoms in your car."

Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her a** weighs 50 pounds.

Yo mama's so fat, she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs

ed wins

Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames

Yo mama's so fat, when she dances at a club, she makes the band skip.

passy wins

Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.

kiki wins

Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

Yo mama's so fat, she DJ's for the ice cream truck.

Yo mama's so fat, her lipstick comes in a spray can.

ed wins

Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time.

Yo mama's so fat, her skates went flat.

ed wins

Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate". Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD. Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic. Yo mama's so stupid, she uses Old Spice for cooking. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a d***o. Yo mama's so stupid, the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked her two front teeth. Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she could get food stamps at the post office. Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics." Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes. Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.

Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the b***h died. Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp. Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment. Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white. Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1. Yo mama's so old, her birth-certificate expired. Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook. Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro. Yo mama's so old, she's got Jesus' beeper number. Yo mama's so old, when she was in school there was no history class. Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces. Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick. Yo mama's so old, she called the cops when David and Goliath started to fight.

Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit. Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama. Yo mama's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower. Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks. Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks. Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork. Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her. Yo mama's so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a handful of pardons. Yo mama's so ugly, when she moved into the projects, all her neighbors chipped in for curtains. Yo mama's so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks. Yo mama's so ugly, her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, even the tide won't take her out. Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, when she cries, tears run down the back of her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on her makeup. Yo mama was such an ugly baby, her parents had to feed her with a slingshot.

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man. "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except �" said the old man, and then he stopped. "Except what?" asked the businessman. "Nothing, nothing," said the old man. "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman. "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo d**k,'" the old man said. "So what's up with this voodoo d**k?" the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking d***o. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big ******** deal. It looks like every other d***o in this shop!" The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo d**k, the door." The voodoo d**k rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo d**k, get back in your box!" The voodoo d**k stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, "I'll take it!" The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special d***o and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo d**k, my p***y." He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo d**k. She got it out, and said "Voodoo d**k, my p***y!" The voodoo d**k shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the d***o. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo d**k was stuck in her p***y, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo d**k, my a**!"

NO YOUR NOT

ME FIRST