Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I'm not the only one, right? Please, tell me I'm not the only one! I want to hear someone tell me that I'm not the only one who lies to herself. The only one to tell herself something that isn't true. Why do I do that to myself? I'm sure that I've been through this more than once. I know the pain it causes, but for some reason, I still do it. Maybe I'm just now realizing it. Maybe talking with my friend and cousin helped me see it for the first time. We're just friends, right? He is my friend, isn't he? I'm happy, aren't I? But, if it were all true, why would I need to question it? No. I should have seen it before. They're all lies. Yet, I still brainwash myself into believing them. Why? Probably because I want to believe them. It's something I want to be true. I don't think I could handle reality for now. So, what is reality? It's just a few, hard to live with, horrible facts:
I can't touch him; he'd kill me instantly.
I can't talk to him; he's glare at me or interrupt with something he wants to say; obviously more important than anything I would ever say.
I can't look at him without his permission; that is, him asking a question or him looking at me first.
I'm surprised he allows me to be present in the same room as him.
I'm sure if we didn't have class together, I'd never see him at all. That, and the fact that I follow him, or tag along wherever he goes. Some might call it stalking, but he knows I'm there. I'd call it more of a pathetic following. I still wonder whether it's out of bravery or stupidity that I do it, but I'm betting on the latter. I HATE it. I wish I could go far enough to say that we're at least friends, but when I do, it feels wrong. So, why do I still like him?! It drives me insane to try and come up with an answer for that. I still don't know. Then, through all that, I try to convince myself that I'm happy. HA! That's a good one. I am somehow able to look and act happy around others. Everyone around me sees a cheerful girl full of energy. Boy have I got them fooled. But guess what? I've even fooled myself. I have moments where even I believe that the happiness is real. Eventually, something reminds me of my place, and brings me back from the high spot in which I'd placed myself. I can't let it get to my head. I don't want myself to believe the lies, to be happy, and ignore the truth. The truth hurts, but lying only hides the truth, and when it's revealed, the pain is worse. I really should stop doing this, but it's not that I won't, I can't. I really am the most pathetic excuse for a human being. I really am horrible. But, I'm not the only one, right? Please, somebody tell me I'm not the only one!