I really dont care who reads this because I really dont care much about this anymore. I hate my dad and there's no way around it. Last night was one of the worst nights of my life, never before had I cried so hard. I was just so sick of it, maybe I should explain a bit.
Last night my Girl Scout troop (Yeah I'm in Girl Scouts laugh and die b***h) was getting an award, for those of you who know about G.S. we were getting our Silver Award. Sooo my troop went out to dinner and our parents came with us, big freakin mistake to let mine come. My parents hate each other. I knew my night was gunna be miserable but I figured if I could just think positive, maybe just for once, they could get along. For me? Nope I was wrong of course. When they started up arguing I said desperatly "please guys! Stop it!" My dad gave me this horrible look and said "Ya know what? Remember what I said, Michela, you're the problem." So I felt like crying right there but all my friends were there and their parents and oh gosh, it kills. So on the car ride from the resturant to the place where the awards were held, I was silent and just put my Ipod on the highest volume it would go and prayed they would leave me alone. It worked for the car ride.
When we got there, my dad wanted to take pictures but he had me standing so I was facing the sun and I kept telling him I couldnt cus I couldnt see. Seem logical enough and I knew I wasnt asking for much by just saying I couldnt have my pic taken. Instead of just letting it go my dad took me aside from my troop and yelled at me, telling me to knock it off and stop it with my attitude. Attitude? I was gunna argue with him but I backed down and just whispered, "ok."
All through the ceremony my mind was elsewhere, I was terrified. I knew that I was going to be yelled at, I couldnt focus. I was trying so hard to prepare myself to be hurt again, I obviously wasnt ready for what was going to happen though, never could I have been ready.
The second I got into the car after the ceremony was over, my dad looks at me with that same hate in his eyes and says "give me your Ipod, you're grounded." I burst out in tears because he does this everytime I'm supposed to be having an important night like this. I always seem to mess up, he cant just let me be happy. All of this started up a huge argument between me, my dad and my stepmom. He kept saying I was giving him an attitude and that he wasnt gunna take that kind of crap from me. My stepmom actually stood up for me this time, it surprised me. I guess we're both sick of him. So we were in the car arguing, the rest of my troop went to get ice cream. We said we were gunna go but my dad changed our minds when he said "No, we are not getting ice cream." Go figure. So then I finally stopped crying for a few minutes long enough to yell at him "Stop telling me what a giant mistake I am dad! I'm sick of hearing what a dissapointment I am to you! I dont need to hear it everyday! You wonder why I cut myself?!" That's how it ended. No one spoke a word after my outburst. I wasnt sure if I was still grounded but I continued to cry and I wasnt sure why. Maybe I was relieved to finally say something that made my dad shut up.
When I got home, I was still crying, I ran into the bathroom. I stayed in there for about an hour. I looked in the mirror at myself and just kept saying "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you so much." Telling myself that I hate myself is probably not a good idea, but I think that right about then, I hated myself so much. Then I sat on the floor and looked at all my scars from where I used to cut. I thought about doing it again. Just a few times because I was just in so much pain. I was tired of him ruining my nights, I was so tired of being scared in my own house.
To tell the truth, never before have I been so close to killing myself. When I got back up to my room, I just sat down and cried some more. I was so close to just ending it all, I wanted to end it all. So close.... I'm still not 100% better, my mind is still cloudy and my emotions are jumbled. I feel like I still might hurt myself. But it's gettting better. I just keep wondering what I did to deserve this kind of treatment. I wonder why my dad finds it fun to make me cry. Why does he just sit there and watch me, why doesnt he say anything? Oh wait, he does, he yells. He says "you're the problem, you're a mistake, you're a dissapointment." He says a lot. I'm so tired of it. God damnit, I had the blade on my skin and I was so close. Just pressing down hard and quick, I coulda let myself go.
Last night my Girl Scout troop (Yeah I'm in Girl Scouts laugh and die b***h) was getting an award, for those of you who know about G.S. we were getting our Silver Award. Sooo my troop went out to dinner and our parents came with us, big freakin mistake to let mine come. My parents hate each other. I knew my night was gunna be miserable but I figured if I could just think positive, maybe just for once, they could get along. For me? Nope I was wrong of course. When they started up arguing I said desperatly "please guys! Stop it!" My dad gave me this horrible look and said "Ya know what? Remember what I said, Michela, you're the problem." So I felt like crying right there but all my friends were there and their parents and oh gosh, it kills. So on the car ride from the resturant to the place where the awards were held, I was silent and just put my Ipod on the highest volume it would go and prayed they would leave me alone. It worked for the car ride.
When we got there, my dad wanted to take pictures but he had me standing so I was facing the sun and I kept telling him I couldnt cus I couldnt see. Seem logical enough and I knew I wasnt asking for much by just saying I couldnt have my pic taken. Instead of just letting it go my dad took me aside from my troop and yelled at me, telling me to knock it off and stop it with my attitude. Attitude? I was gunna argue with him but I backed down and just whispered, "ok."
All through the ceremony my mind was elsewhere, I was terrified. I knew that I was going to be yelled at, I couldnt focus. I was trying so hard to prepare myself to be hurt again, I obviously wasnt ready for what was going to happen though, never could I have been ready.
The second I got into the car after the ceremony was over, my dad looks at me with that same hate in his eyes and says "give me your Ipod, you're grounded." I burst out in tears because he does this everytime I'm supposed to be having an important night like this. I always seem to mess up, he cant just let me be happy. All of this started up a huge argument between me, my dad and my stepmom. He kept saying I was giving him an attitude and that he wasnt gunna take that kind of crap from me. My stepmom actually stood up for me this time, it surprised me. I guess we're both sick of him. So we were in the car arguing, the rest of my troop went to get ice cream. We said we were gunna go but my dad changed our minds when he said "No, we are not getting ice cream." Go figure. So then I finally stopped crying for a few minutes long enough to yell at him "Stop telling me what a giant mistake I am dad! I'm sick of hearing what a dissapointment I am to you! I dont need to hear it everyday! You wonder why I cut myself?!" That's how it ended. No one spoke a word after my outburst. I wasnt sure if I was still grounded but I continued to cry and I wasnt sure why. Maybe I was relieved to finally say something that made my dad shut up.
When I got home, I was still crying, I ran into the bathroom. I stayed in there for about an hour. I looked in the mirror at myself and just kept saying "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you so much." Telling myself that I hate myself is probably not a good idea, but I think that right about then, I hated myself so much. Then I sat on the floor and looked at all my scars from where I used to cut. I thought about doing it again. Just a few times because I was just in so much pain. I was tired of him ruining my nights, I was so tired of being scared in my own house.
To tell the truth, never before have I been so close to killing myself. When I got back up to my room, I just sat down and cried some more. I was so close to just ending it all, I wanted to end it all. So close.... I'm still not 100% better, my mind is still cloudy and my emotions are jumbled. I feel like I still might hurt myself. But it's gettting better. I just keep wondering what I did to deserve this kind of treatment. I wonder why my dad finds it fun to make me cry. Why does he just sit there and watch me, why doesnt he say anything? Oh wait, he does, he yells. He says "you're the problem, you're a mistake, you're a dissapointment." He says a lot. I'm so tired of it. God damnit, I had the blade on my skin and I was so close. Just pressing down hard and quick, I coulda let myself go.
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