You wouldn't believe it. I made a really great edit to this, and when I pressed submit, because I had taken so long doing it, GAIA HAD LOGGED ME OUT!!! So, my revision wasn't saved. Now, I have to do it again...
I sit outside, with moon light surrounding me. I look up at the moon, and breathe in it's beauty and nuetrality. I bathe in it's power. I'm relaxed and comfortable, when I hear a bush rustle not to far away. I sit up straighter then before, my left ear facing the direction the noice came from. I raise my head higher in the air and sniff.
And I knew.
A demon.
I jumped up silently, and reached for a nearest tree branch. Discretly, I swung myself up into a tree.
I could still feel the moons power- but now it was getting colder; turning against me.
The moon is known for power and strength- no one knows whether she is good or evil. She is so inconstant, changing sides so often.
I glared down below me at the man that had stepped out from a crowded area of shrubs, tall trees, and thick vines.
He was tall, with short dark brown hair that was spiked in the front. He was tan, with a thick build for power and stability, but at the same time her was thin for quickness. He had a smokey gray trench coat. A midnight black button up sleeved flannel shirt, with black pants to match. With my sharp eye I see something else no human would be able to see.
Below his waist, right on the belt line was a thick metalic black belt. The buckle, which I have only seen once before, proved my theory right. The red, upside down moon cresent; the symbol for demonism.
His head turned side to side, as if looking for something. I held my breath. He stopped below the branch I was laying on. Then he continued walking.
I sighed with relief, yet still kept my grip on the branch in case he came back.I looked around and he wasn't to be seen.
But then I felt the branch lurch, as if someone had just landed on it. I turn my head around, and there he was. I had no clue how he got up there, but he did.
I let out a piercing scream and fell to the ground, landing on all fours like a cat. I pick my self up and run.
I look back- he wasn't following me.
I slow down, and look ahead. And he was standing right there. This time, he lunges at me, proving my estimated guess of his quickness was right.
'Well well, what's this?' he said with a scratchy voice.
One arm was around my waist, another around my neck. His hand slithered up my throat, and he pulled my golden hair back. He smiled.
'Aridian Elf, am I correct?' I stand still. Not many people knew of my race- least of all demons. We have kept our race and civilization quiet for thousands of years, in the deep of the Apian Forest.
'How would you know?' I say strongly. I may be in the arms of a stranger, but I am not yet over taken.
He ignores me, and his hand runs up to my forehead, where the thin gold leaves are weaved and laced so perfectly together.
'Ah, royalty, too. What a catch.' I feel his breath on my neck, his mouth inching closer.
I rip from his arms and whip around gracefully drawing my weapons out- two daggers; pure silver. He smiles.
'Okay, princess, have it your way-- Let's fight.'
......
TO BE CONTINUED
Hahahaha guess what I was bored sitting at my computer and this just, all came to me. No planning at all. Pretty good, eh? XP
I also TekTek'd my characters:
*The Demon* (Hey, I can't tell you his name yet! XP)
*Aridian Elf* (Can't tell you her name either! NOTE- I couldn't quite get her right because I didn't describe her [i did in the edit- but it didn't save XP] But this is good enough)
ANYWAY PLEASE MESSAGE ME AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK heart
Rikindi Community Member |
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Community Member
The first 6 (from the way you wrote it) Paragraphs need a little something more. It has a good amount of details, but maybe more could help- or just lengthing the paragraphs could help.
Maybe to much detail in his description- she may be a Elf, but save some details for when she gets captured, or when they are both in the tree. Too much at one time is a bit over whelming.
The end parts are in a little bit of trouble- they go a little too fast, and not enough time to breath. Make longer paragraphs, shorter sentences.
Have the characters talk a bit more- even when you want a heart stopping ending, you should make sure readers actually have read to the end. Make it more intresting.
Idea for story- a rating 10/10. One of the best I think.
The way you have written it- it just needs more improvement, along with more chapters.
<3