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All my life, I can’t remember ever knowing 'normality'. I feel as though I’ve never felt normal emotions. I can’t ever remember a time in my life when I was happy; fulfilled and whole. I’ve heard of people who go through life slowly fading away from the world that eventually are consumed by shades of grey but what I want to know is, are there others out there that are like me. People who instead of gradually fading away were never really there in the first place.

Most of the time I feel as though I should turn myself inside out so that I could live a life of complete solitude within myself. I hurt so many people...the worst part is that most of the time, I do it on purpose. Simply to gain knowledge of how far you can push someone before they break. It’s like there are two souls contained within me. Neither of which has control of the other. I shall describe them to you in as much detail as I can:


The first:

A small, feminine personality who is shy, quiet, yet very intellectual. Loves to be in small 2-4 person groups. Anymore than that and she can become quite timid and withdraw into herself. The people in the group consist only of her friends otherwise she gets very anxious and feels trapped. Wants admiration and to be loved yet can’t trust people because she’s been hurt too many times in the past. She has a very generous nature and prefers to give to everyone and everything and rarely thinks of herself. Doesn’t feel as though anyone owes her anything. Simply wants to make people happy although she has never known what happiness truly is. Feels ‘unclean’ and unworthy of love and happiness. Hates herself and believes that she is unto herself an ungodly sin that is undeserving of happiness. She believes that nothing she ever does is good enough.

The second:

Quiet yet cunning personality. Likes to hide her true motives. She loves to manipulate, lie, cheat, and even steal if it personally benefits her. Hates everyone and everything. Believes that it is her against the world. Is extremely paranoid that everyone is out to get her and that no one can be trusted. Greedy. Wants the world to know the pain and suffering that she has known times ten. Enjoys the suffering of others.


The second will only come out when the first’s willpower has been worn down enough for the second to release itself from its ‘cage’ and enter conscious reality.