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Completely unaware of the your surroundings. But when you do, that once you find one little thing bugging you, it sets you off into an angry frenzy? That is basically how I feel just about...now. Oh, wait wait, that was then...now, I feel like it now....damn...then again...okay......NOW......oh screw it.


Anyway, onto my blabbering.

I just...don't know...being bugged by itty bitty things that seem to tick me the ******** off because I can't simply get a grip on happy. Happy, is on lunch break. Happy, decides to pop the ******** up when I am not wanting happy. Happy is just as annoying as Angry. At least angry tends to stick around and be my friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




See....blabbering.


Moving. What a b***h. I tell ya, 5th time...no ******** charm there. I have tried my best to not say a damn word about how ******** bad it sucks, to keep it all under my little cement block (5000 feet by 5000 feet large) with my other mishaps of character that are a.k.a- flaws. But, I can't no, not when I ******** feel like this (see, used the f*** ing word a lot!)

It's small, so small that...grr...my closet had been bigger. All my money, hmm...where the hell does it go? Oh I know, to my mom, to the freakin bills to ******** food I don't need to be stuffing my goddamn face with anyway!!!!!!!!!!!! And, oh...already started on the goddamn living arrangements or my mothers inability to kick out a sibling when she ******** well knows that she is one of the BIGGEST problems when it comes to this goddamn situation!! I can't stand how she always needs someone to compliment her! I can't stand how she always needs to have a boyfriend! I can't stand how shw always mistakes my name for my sisters! I can't stand how she always ******** ignores me! I can't stand how she pushes me to do s**t in school that I really don't ******** want to do but should because of my ******** college reseme that won't ******** be made until the end of my SENIOR ******** YEAR!! I can't stand how she thinks she knows me, how she is always pressuring me into all this crap that isn't exactly my ******** cup of grande chai tea latte!!!! (yes, yes, there is humor in anger). I can't stand how she has no back bone!

I can't stand how I always give her the money because I think it's for the family but know damn well its for more miscallenous s**t that we don't need or won't use. I can't stand how I always compliment her when she needs to get some ******** confidence and pretending like I am the mother, I have all the answers! I ******** don't! I can't handle having to take care of a mother who, when gets the chance, gets completely ******** wasted (or so she thinks not...but..I know better...afterall I ******** HAVE TO!) I can't stand how I always manage to be the bad guy, when I do more then my sibling ever does. I can't stand how the more I punch and kick to be strong, I bend and break to be weak.

I can't stand that I can't help because I take on their ******** problems, them complaining I am the problem because I complain or b***h too much while they ******** go on on about "oh blah blah blah I want a boyfriend this, blah blah blah I hate having a mother who wants better for me that". YOU DONT HAVE A ******** REAL PROBLEM! I AM SURE AS HELL IT PROBABLY EFFECTS YOU BUT WHEN YOU MAKE IT OUT TO BE SOMETHING LIKE YOUR WHOLE FAMILY WAS JUST MACHINE GUNNED OFF, I GET PISSED!! I can't stand...how I won't tell them that. I can't stand that I don't know how to act like a good friend. I can't stand the fact that I am inexperienced in ANY form of friendship because (not admitting it to my mom) I had an unusual and sometimes bad childhood.

I may not have bad problems...but once I have racked them up like I have for the past 6 years....something is bound to get worse...and snap.

Still waiting for the snap though.


And what sucks more.




None of this will have helped at all.